Rest In Peace

My Grandmother passed away today.
Rest in Peace Maw Maw. I love you.

May Your Days be Merry

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I have many blessing to count and much love to give. Merry Christmas everyone... and to you and yours, a Happy New Year.

What's Worse

My biggest fear of Mike being in Iraq is losing him. It has been since we’ve known he was going. Some women are afraid their husbands are going to come back changed. They all come back changed. You can not experience what our soldiers are experiencing and not be changed by it. It does affect everyone in different ways, but I don’t believe anyone can come back unchanged.

I heard this morning that a local family experienced a tragedy on Saturday. Apparently the husband and wife were on their way to Lowe’s to do some Christmas shopping. A car coming from the opposite direction crossed the center line in an S curve. The husband swerved to miss the car and loss control when he hit some gravel on the side of the road. His car hit a tree and he died on impact. The wife was released from the hospital today. Her husband will be buried on Wednesday. They have three children. The saddest part of this story is that the husband, the father, just returned from a tour in Iraq 40 days ago.

I have had to face the fact that I could lose my husband to this war. I think we often forget just how fragile life is. How quickly we can lose any of our loved ones. My husband is in more immanent danger than most of us. But tragedy can strike any of us.

As far as Mike coming back changed, I can see it already. We have opened lines of communication and it’s so wonderful. We have always had a great marriage. I think now it has gone to a new level. I hope that everyone gets to experience this type of love during their lifetime.

Snow Day

We have a snow day tomorrow. We also had one on Thursday last week. And Friday. The kids are thrilled as they get to spend another day playing in the snow instead of sitting in class. As for myself, I have to drive almost 2 hours tomorrow to sit in class.. for 8 hours. JOY.

Here is some pictures of the kids enjoying the snow! I'm glad this is something they get to experience! Growing up in Lousiana, we never got to see or play in snow. Mike grew up in New England, so he got enough. I like it here because we usually only get a couple of snow days a year and it's enough to satisfy the fun factor without totally being too much.

Lauren and Matthew


Jacob

Chemo and Morphine

Chemo First
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. She will turn 53 years old.
It is also the day she starts chemo again.

Morphine
My MawMaw is not doing well. She agreed to let hospice come in and take over her care earlier this month. Mom told me tonight that she started morphine for pain. Things don't look good at all.

I'm here...

So much has happened.. so few words to describe it all...

Quick rundown:

Mike came home for his R&R. It was the best 16 days! We all had a blast. Spent the weekend in Branson just hanging out and enjoying being a family.

My Mom has to do chemo again. Damn autoimmune disease. Scares the crap out of me.

I got a new camera. A Nikon D50. I love it!! :) I'll post pics... eventually. Might do a flick'r account... hmmmmm

I am still in school full time. 5 classes to go counting the 2 I'm currently in. I am looking forward to May when I graduate. And can't believe I am even entertaining the thought of going for my Masters.. YIKES!

The kids are great. Lauren is loving dance. They all just finished soccer.

We had a pretty good Thanksgiving. I got sick.. really sick. The kids didn't, which is good. Had friends over.

Christmas shopping is almost done. YAY!

Must sleep now. Will try to post again soon. I'll put some pictures up. Here is one of the sunset earlier...

For True...

this time
next week
i will be
in his arms

Long Road Home

Mike has been away for eight and a half months. He came home for a couple of weeks at the end of May/early June. We still have eight and a half months, at least, until he is back home with us.

Last Friday, the 13th, marked another tragedy for our troops. Mike's platoon lost a soldier to an IED. I can not begin to describe to you the emotions this has stirred. What I felt when I posted a few weeks ago about losing a soldier doesn't even come close to how I felt when we lost 'one of ours'.

When all the talk of Mike going to Iraq came about, I wrote about how I felt, and how we came to the decision for Mike to go to Iraq. He really felt a pull to go with this group of soldiers. As much as I hate the idea of him being there, I feel pride for him doing what he feels he needs to do. I have never met any of the soldiers in Mike's platoon. But I know that each one of them mean something to him.

I wish there was way for me to know these soldiers. Because they mean so much to my husband. Because they are family now. Because you can't go through what they are experiencing without some form of attachment. I wish I knew these soldiers becaue they are brave and young and scared and heroes.

I know that we have a long road left ahead of us. Mike will be home in early December for a couple of weeks. Then he goes back to Iraq. From there, we don't yet know where he will go. That past eight and a half months has passed fairly quick. Sometimes I think back on something that has happened and remember that Mike wasn't home for it. I think the next eight and a half months will be harder. Partly because they haven't passes yet, but partly because I am more accutely aware of what I stand to lose. The only thing that will relieve the fears is having Mike home in my arms.

I know this experience will change him. I'm sure it has already changed me. I know that I've grown as a person since he has been gone. I've made some realizations about myself. Our relationship has also grown. I've seen alot more of Mike, or made some realizations, that will definately come into play once we are together again. And I believe these are all positive things.

I can't wait for him to be here. To be a part of our day to day lives again. The kids have done well with the deloyment so far. Much better than I imagined. I feel it's time to have Mike back home though. Because even though we get through our days, we definately feel his absense. And it's hard to share things with such a distance between us. Until this is over, I'll keep looking ahead, counting the months and waiting for him return home.

Soccer Time

The kids are playing soccer. We live at the soccer field now. You can just forward our mail there. Should be easy since someone stole our mailbox.
Here are the kids soccer pictures! :)

Matthew


Jacob


Lauren


They are really enjoying the game. Lauren's favorite part is chasing the boys.. man are we in trouble! LOL

Not Sure What to Say

Mike’s unit has lost a soldier. Sniper.

The feelings are overwhelming. I was ok at first. It hit me on the way to school. I can’t imagine and yet I do. And I am trying to process the emotions. But it’s difficult. So many different aspects to examine.

He was a single man. Young, but a man. He is survived by his Mother. Mother. This woman has to bury her son. I can not imagine having to lay my child to rest. I think of why Mike is there and I think that perhaps this young man was there for the same reason. For his country. His honor. His duty. In his Mother’s grief, I hope she can see these things in her son’s death as well. I pray for peace for her, the family.

He was a soldier. They all went there knowing the risks. Some went by choice, some only because they were ordered to do so. All of them are doing their best they know how with what they have. It can’t be easy to be there. And to watch a fellow comrade go down has got to be difficult. It is staring your mortality down. It is knowing that it could have been you.

As a wife of a soldier who is in the same place, I am fearful. This just drive home the danger my husband is in. I wouldn’t be honest if I said I wasn’t afraid. I am terrified. My biggest fear is losing him. Because in his absence I have come to realize how much he means to me. It’s easy to lose sight of those things in the everyday drone of life. Some people say that ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. I say distance makes you realize why you love someone without all those little annoying things getting in the way. We have always had a good marriage. A great marriage. And I feel that we are stronger today than ever.

I know this is going to take some time to process. I know how hard this is for me. I can’t imagine what our troops are feeling. I hope they know that their sacrifices are not in vain. It takes a strong person to go out there and do what our soldiers are doing. It also takes a strong person to stand back and support that. I hope that the Mother of that fallen soldier realizes how strong she is for backing her son, no matter what.

It hurts

When I can’t do it all.

When I want someone to comfort me, but I have to comfort everyone else instead.

When all I want is quiet and the world just keep moving around me.

When all I want is my husband home.

When my children ask for their Dad, and there is nothing I can do for them.

When I’m alone.

When I can’t ask for help, because I don’t know how.

When I feel like running.

When I cry this hard.

Just Want to QUIT!

I can not believe I am even thinking about wanting my Masters degree. I am a full time student now, online courses. I will finish my BA in Psych in May of 2007. I am getting ready to enroll in Statistics next session. Someone SHOOT ME NOW! I am sooo tired of the school thing. It's exhausting. I just need to vent..
... now I am off to finish my paper that was due Sunday... Joy.

Touched By an Angel

I got a new JOB! A paying job, which has me at the school full time. This is why my blog has been so neglected. It was either the blog or the kids, and well, they mean a little more to me! I spent last week in St Louis being trained for this job. Actually, it’s a job that I’ve been training for all my life without knowing. Last week in St Louis was only learning how to fill out the paperwork.

During one of the small group sessions I was sitting across from a woman wearing a gold chain with a pendant of a yellow ribbon hanging from it. I asked where she got it from. She said that it was given to her when her husband was in Iraq last year. He returned home last December, but she was going to wear that pendant until all of our troops returned home. I told her that Mike was in Iraq, forming a bond between her and me. After a lunch break, she approached me, and handed me the pendant from her chain. I told her, choking back tears, that I couldn’t take it. I did take it. I am proudly wearing it around my neck. Until my husband returns. At that point, I will pass it on to someone else just starting on this journey.

A couple of post ago, I wrote about Dad Gone Mad and Project Lovebomb, a site he started about one of our troops. I have been exchanging email with the wife of that soldier. I received one this morning about some of her feelings. It really hit home for me. She mentioned in an email that she published some of her feelings on her personal blog, but was hesitant to put it up there on the Project Lovebomb site. This was my reply:

“It is very scary stuff. I think by you, and us really, acknowledging that, it is
helpful for people to see what we are feeling. To know that what we are
going through is so real. I think this opportunity through DGM and PL has
come about for a reason, and I don't think we know the real reason yet.
What our husbands are out there doing is a very real, very dangerous thing.
I don't believe that we should keep it to ourselves so as not to offend
others. It's our lives, our emotions. We have the right to express them. I
truly think it will help others who may not be able to find the words to
express it themselves.
When someone finds out where my husband is, they start to feel sorry for us.
I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. We were and are well aware of
the risk of him being deployed. We knew when we had kids that part of that
would be spent with Daddy away, because it's the military life. I know alot
of people don't understand what it's like to not know when your loved one is
coming home. But I also wish they would realize it doesn't help to point
out how difficult it must be or 'oh wow, how do you do it?". We just do,
because we have to, ya know.”

I think that by living in a military community, more people around me understand what I am feeling and going through. But for people who aren’t around the military, it is really hard for them to understand what we are experiencing. I got my first real scare last night. I was sitting here reviewing some homework and I saw a white van pull into my driveway. I didn’t recognize it at first and got a huge lump in my throat as I walked toward the door to see who it was, not wanting my children to answer the door should it be men in uniform there to talk to me about their Daddy. It was a friend dropping something off, in her new minivan. But the fear I felt as she drove down my driveway is something I won’t soon forget.

He's Still Older

So last week Mike and I both celebrated out birthdays. He turned 31 on Wednesday. And for two whole days, I could rag on him, through email anyway, about his age. Then, on Friday, I joined him in the ranks of the thirty-somethings. He celebrated his birthday surrounded by sand and soldiers. I celebrated mine surrounded by 9 of my friends (and quite frankly, I can't tell you how many kids were running around in the yard. Just know that they outnumbered the adults!)

My girlfriends and I have started a 'window's club'. No, we aren't widows, but with our husbands deployed, it sure feels like it sometimes. We typically meet here at my house on Friday nights. We do a pot luck type dinner and the kids get to run around and wear themselves and each other out. My best friend Amy took it upon herself to invite all of our friends to join in on Friday night to celebrate my birthday. Of course not everyone could attend. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be able to say that not all of my friends were in attendance, but NINE were. It just reasures me that staying here while Mike is deployed is the best move we could have made.

As far as birthday gifts I got a couple of new outfits for that job I may be startig on Wednesday. I also got some cash, some DQ certificates and batteries. I have to say... the batteries were probably the best thing I opened... after all, it was a widow's club meeting.

Dad Gone Mad

WOW.
If you have never read the blog Dad Gone Mad, where have you been?! Go on over and read what they have going on... it's amazing the love and support people show for our troops.

My online friends from my parenting websites and email list have already adopted about half of Mike's platoon. I know how much these soldier appreciate all that my friends have done for them. You wouldn't believe the difference a note or package from a stranger showing support means to them. Most of the soldiers are young, early twenties. They have never been away from home. They are supporting our way of life. I feel the least we can do it to honor then, care for them, and show them that we are behind them.

An Answer...

Jacob went back to the doctor on Tuesday. And Thursday. We found out that the infection is his finger is MRSA.. go ahead, google it... yeah, penicillin resistant staph. Nice. And contageous to boot. Joy.

It is drying up and doing much better. And he is taking his medicine like a trooper. We go back to the doctor again on Monday for a final check. All I can say is thank goodness we don't have a copay!!

More ER Frequent Flyer Miles...

So, this is what I typed about yesterday :

Jacob has been complaining all day of his finger hurting.. and under his arm. I thought maybe he pulled something under his arm yesterday at a birthday party. I couldn't see anything on his finger, so I blew that off too. Tonight, as I was getting dinner ready, he showed me his finger again. It kinda looked like a wart. My friend Amy was over, so I had her look at it as well. When she touched it, the thing popped.. weird. I put peroxide on it and we left it alone. While we were sitting down eating, Amy and I noticed at the same time that it was starting to streak! I look at Amy, she looked at me and off Jacob and I went to the ER. (She stayed here with Matthew and Lauren).

They diagnosed it as herpetis whitlow. Basically, it's a cold sore on his finger. BUT, the infection has traveled into the lymph node under his arm as well. They gave us antibiotics and we have to go back in the morning to see his PMC.

We got home and I got him to bed. I sat and took a test for my online class. Next thing I know.. he is puking! UGH... The meds didn't come back up, so that's good. He does have a fever, 101.6. I called the ER back. They said to make sure he eats when he takes the meds in the am and to give him motrin or tylenol for the fever. He is sleeping now. Man, I hope he has a good night...

He puked again around 4:30 this morning. So, uh, not a good night. I got him an appointment this morning to see his regular doctor. She said the ER docs were wrong. It's an infection of some sort. They drained it and are going to run cultures on it. To make things more interesting, he is allergic to the antibiotic they gave him (augmentin) so they switched that too. He has to go back to the doctor in the morning to see how it's doing.

He is sleeping now. I should be. I pray he is doing better in the morning. I feel so helpless. I broke down in the doctors office today. The nurse was triaging him and asked what was wrong. I just lost it. Damn it.

Back To School...

The kids went back to school yesterday!
My baby started Kindergarten, and I didn't even cry. And I almost feel guilty about it. Almost. The boys are in 2nd and 4th grade this year. I will complete my Bachelor's degree around the same time they finish this school year. YAY!

The Floor..It is

FINISHED! Whew!

I can still feel a little bit of the grain of the wood.So I polyed a small section in the corner to see if a 4th coat would make a difference. It didn't. So, it stays as is. We get to put the furniture back in tomorrow! I can't wait. I'm even anxious to CLEAN! HA!

Oh, and the color is a little lighter than the rest of the house. It could be because the rest of the floors have darkened with age. I happen to like the color differnce. :)

I tried to upload pics, but it isn't working right now... go figure!

The Floor Saga...

still is NOT done!




This picture was taken this morning..You can see the room on the left is sanded. The room on the right has one coat of poly on it. And the floor to the bottom of the picture is the hallway. That is what the floors should look like when it's all over. No more poly has been put down since these pictures were taken.
An attempt was made at putting up a new ceiling fan, but the fan is defective. Damn.
Will this ever end?!

Floors... Day 2 of Sanding

This is going to take FOR-EVER! UGH
So, he came here around eleven or so yesterday. Taped plastic in the first room (to cut down on sawdust on the walls) and did the first sanding of that floor. He left around 8:30 last night. He is back now and has taped the second room. Sanding is going strong...
I pray this is done today, but being realistic, it will likely continue tomorrow...

Wood Floors.. Part 2

I am waiting for my contractor to come sand the wood floors in the boys rooms. I can't tell you how excited I am about this. Also, I'm just ready for it to be OVER! He will sand today and poly tomorrow. We have to wait 72 hours from the last coat until we can put their furniture back into their rooms. That means I can't put their rooms back together until SUNDAY!! UGH...
The kids start school next Thursday! I want their rooms done and normalcy returned to our home. I can't wait until we are back into our routine.

And We're Back!

We got home from our vacation on Tuesday. It's been nonstop since.
We had a great time. The boys got mohawks in Florida!! :)















I'll need to go back and read the kids journals to see what all we did. I can't remember everything. We did have a good time, but the kids were ready to get back home.
I am in the middle of composing a post in my head. I need to get it typed out... I'll post it soon.

In Florida

We arrived here in Florida on Wednesday. It's Thursday, about midnight here, so technially Friday morning. Everything is going well. The kids are great! I got to chat with Mike tonight for a long time. It's so great to be able to communicate with him! I miss him so much, but this makes things so much better.

We plan to visit the flea market tomorrow. Downtown Disney on Saturday. We will also go bowling and maybe to the beach as well while we are here. We head back to Louisiana on Tuesday. The time seems to be moving so fast...

Just wanted to update. Need to get some sleep. I'll post more later. Here is a picture of the kids right after we crossed over from Louisiana into Mississippi the other day!

It All Began During my Second Pregnancy

I was getting out of the shower this morning and Lauren came into the bathroom. We had the following conversation:

Her: I can see you naked because we are both girls.

Me: Well, I have the same part as you do.

Her: Yours are bigger!

Me: Only because my body is bigger, and well, I've had a few kids.

Her: Yeah, well, when you were pregnant with Jacob in your belly, he kicked my Egg!

All I could do was laugh!

On 'Vacation', Part 1

So, things are CRAZY! I am on ‘vacation’. We arrived here in Louisiana last Monday. We have been here for a week now. I have been to Target (TWICE!), Wal-Mart (more times than I can count), eaten at Olive Garden and finished a term paper, a midterm and an essay. OH, I’ve also attended TWO baby showers! And today I have a shrimp po-boy, crab stew and boiled crabs! YUM! Things are going fairly well. There hasn’t been much drama or conflict with my sisters yet. I’ve received two emails from Mike as well as two phone calls. The kids are having a great time. They are loving the fact that COUSINS live just around the corner! They slept at my sister’s house last night. All three kids!! It was, um, weird! to not have them here with me. But nice because I was able to finish my mid-term in relative peace.

Of course, this wouldn’t be ‘home’ without drama. The drama is between my Mom’s family. My Grandmother is sick. She has four children. Oldest Uncle Son, Oldest Daughter, My Mom, and Youngest Son. Youngest Son has everything handed to him by Maw Maw (my grandmother). He works, makes good money, and does drugs. He has NOTHING to show for his life. She pays his truck note, insurance and provides a place for him to live and food to eat. He does nothing for her. Oldest Son lives next door. His wife runs over to help Maw Maw numerous times a day. They give her all her insulin shots as well. Oldest Daughter doesn’t come around. Hasn’t in about 2 months. My Mom lives around the corner from Maw Maw. Since I have been home I have witnessed everyone talk about the issues with Youngest Son. I have listened as stories get passed back and forth. This one says one thing and the other reports it to someone else. It’s like that game in school where you whisper something to the person next to you and by the time it reaches the last person, the story has changed so much it hardly recognizable. It amazes me that no one will tell Maw Maw all the drama going on behind the scenes. It also amazed me that Maw Maw is so blind she can’t see how her son is draining everything she has right from under her.

I don’t handle conflict very well. It is hard for me to be here witnessing all of this taking place. I want to sit everyone down and make them see what I see. But I know that is not realistic. And I am sure there is more to this than I what I am aware of. It is just so hard to watch the drama unfold. Knowing how much it hurts my Mom.

This trip has been eye opening for me. I’ve come to realize that my family has changed in the thirteen years since I moved away. So many things are still the same. But my family isn’t the same as it was when I left. Or maybe it is and I have just changed so much I am viewing them all through different eyes. I can feel something inside of me changing. The past month has been a time of personal growth for me. It isn’t something I can point out, but I know some changes are happening. I am becoming more aware of a lot of things around me. There is a lot of change happening in my life right now. I feel it’s a time of redirecting my priorities.

With Mike being gone I have been thinking a lot more about where I want my life to go. It’s easy to settle into a routine when we are together and not think too far into the future. With this deployment, I find I am more focused on our long-term goals. I see where I want us to be and I am working on getting us there.

Ok, I have so many more things going through my mind right now. It is hard to capture them all and get them down. I’ll write more later, but wanted to at least start to write about the things going on.

I’ll close with a crappy thing that happened to me on Friday. My Mom, my Sister, her daughter, my other neice, my three kids and I were getting ready to go out to eat breakfast. As I was loading the kids into the truck my sister says “You aren’t going anywhere in that truck”.. I looked down and my tire was FLAT! To the RIM, flat! We used my Mom’s car the rest of the day. The next day I got the tire fixed. Hopefully it holds up for a LONG time!! But man, what a crappy way to start the day!

Doing Better

I am happy to say that Lauren seems to be over the virus. She has been fever free for about 36 hours now!! Woohoo!!

I'm doing much better as far as dealing with things right now. And the kids were awesome today!!
Time to go to bed and sleep before something too bad happens! hehe

He Called...

I missed TWO calls from Mike yesterday. TWO. I had taken Lauren a doctors appointment for the fever the keeps spiking. Seems it's just a virus. I really hope we see the end of this virus soon. I can't stand to watch her with the fever anymore. She is fine between fevers, but when her temps start to go up she just goes to bed. And sleeps. Until I figure out, HEY, she is doing it again, go drug her! She has only had motrin once today... it's a start I guess.

I stayed busy today. Mike called last night around 9 and it totally made me happy. He called again this morning and I have to say hearing from him totally makes my day. After I spoke with him today we walked a little over a mile (kids pooped out on me), sanded and repainted the boys baseboards, cleaned out the workshop so that when I'm on vacation the dogs don't destroy everything, burnt trash, cleaned the cusion thing for Mike's ATV, moved some things around in the garage so I can park the van in there while I'm gone, and even managed to grill some pork chops for dinner. It was a wonderful day. The kids have been in better moods as well.

So, before I leave for Louisiana on Monday I have to finish a term paper, do my homework due tomorrow, a quiz due Saturday, and two essays due Sunday. I need to vacuum out both vehicles and armor all the interiors. I have to get the laundry all caught up and pack for all of us. I have to finish sewing some pillowcases I was supposed to do back in January, and drop those off with a birthday gift for the party we misses last weekend. Hmmm, what else. OH, I need to go to the commisary tomorrow for dog food so they don't run out while I'm gone. And I'd like the leave the house as clean as possible so I don't come home to a mess. We get back on the 1st of August and the floors will be sanded and refinished in the boys rooms on the 3rd. On the 2nd, I'll be busy unpacking and getting groceries.. joy.

Ok, I'm going to go shower now and get started on that quiz, so I can pretend I don't have a term paper due!
Here is a picture of Mike from June, when he was in Florida visiting his Mom. She shot it and I altered it. He is my hero!

Half Way Better Day...

My mood did improve some this afternoon. PMS is a bitch.

The kids are still driving me insane. Hopefully now that the hormones are leveling out again I can handle them better.

I still haven't heard from Mike since I missed his call yesterday. I am getting pretty upset about it. I really want to hear his voice. I saved the message on the machine so I can play it again and again.

Lauren is still sick. It's been over a week. The fever is starting to come back before the meds wear off. I hope they can get her into the clinic first thing in the morning. I am getting very worried about her.

Amy and I took the kids on base tonight to watch the fireworks. After we got back the kids and I did some fireworks we bought the other day. The kids had a good time.

Why is it so exhausting to just BE sometimes?!

Hard Day

Today just sucked. I missed Mike’s call. And this is the day when I really need to hear his voice. I am so sad right now. I can’t even think straight. I know we will make it through this year, but God it hurts so much to be so far away. I am terrified of what could happen. I am really trying to stay strong. To hold it in and keep going. But sometimes the weight of it all is just so much to bear. I am so frustrated and sensitive right now. I can’t deal with anything. The kids haven’t done anything specific, but MAN they are driving me insane. I just want to be alone in a quiet place with nothing to think or worry about. I want to escape my feeling and thoughts for a while.
I sent Mike a few emails over the last few days. All I got back was a seven word reply. From one of the emails. This shit is going to kill me, I swear.

ER Frequent Flyer Miles...

I swear there should be a club!

I took Lauren to the ER tonight. She has had a fever of unknown origin since last weekend. It was getting better (not as high) and we were able to go longer between doses of motrin. This morning it was back up to 102.6 and six hours after the motrin was back up to 102. An hour after another dose of meds only brought her temp down to 99.9, so off we went to the hospital. They did a UA on her because of her kidney reflux and everything looked fine. She has no other symptoms, so the dr wrote it off as a virus. I just hope we see the end of this soon. I hate when she feels miserable. And I am exhausted!

A Phone Call and Lots of Wood

Things are going well. I got an email from Mike this morning that made my day, then he called later and I was thrilled! We are getting lots of great feedback and info from his unit's rear detachment and I think that totally helps at this point. It's nice to know they are concerned about the friends and family members as well as the soldiers.

The floor guys came today. They installed the floor in Matthew's room and started in Jacob's room. They have to come back tomorrow to finish the installation. Next week a different guy will come and sand and refinish the floors. Here are a few pictures from today... click them for a bigger view.

He called again!!!!

YAY!! He just called back!!
It is so wonderful to hear his voice. He said all is well. A friend of ours is scheduled to arrive tonight and his old unit from our last duty station is there, so he knows more people.

Ok, I MUST finish pulling the tack strips and baseboards out of the boys rooms. The floors are being laid tomorrow!!

... and I missed it!

Mike called this morning to say that they had arrived safely in Kuwait. The phone by my bed doesn't work (the answering machine does though). By the time I realized it was the phone ringing and got to the other phone, he had hung up! UGH! To make it all worse, when I got up a couple hours later, I realized that I had never hung the phone back up, ruining any chance that we would call back! UGH!

SO, Mike, if you are reading this, I love you, I am sorry I am a complete moron when I am woken up. Please call me back soon!

Countdown

Get your own countdown at BlingyBlob.com

Floored

I never thought I could get so excited over wood floors!!

I have wanted to pull the carpet up from one of the kids rooms for a long time. The room that is now Jacob's (used to be Lauren's) has a stench to it from the dog using it as a potty area. It seems I can smell it more than anyone, but it bugs me to know that the carpet is gross! I checked prices at Lowe's a few months ago to have hardwood put in that room. It was going to run about $850-$900 for an 11X11 room. When no one showed up to do the estimate, I canceled the whole process.

Last week, a friend refered me to a place that sells used furniture for really cheap. I found a couple of desk I wanted for the boys rooms for $20 each. I was talking to the guy and saw they had hardwood floors. They came out of the houses and such they are tearing out of buildings on base. It just so happens that the hardwoods that are in my house are from old WWII building, on base. So this wood is a perfect match!! I asked how much, he said it was $1.50/sq ft for the wood and $1.50/sq ft to have them install it. I would have to pull the old carpet and take off the baseboards. Totally doable. Also, once installed, the new floors would need to be sanded and refinished. I called the contractor we were talking to about doing an addition and he gave me the right price to come finish the floors!!! Woohooo!!

So, next Wednesday, new floors will be installed in the boys rooms!! This weekend will be spend pulling carpet... I can't wait! LOL

I'll post some before and after pics... stay tuned!

Waiting

The time has come. Monday marks the departure from Korea. He is moving on.
I am scared. I am nervous. I am going to make it through this.
I know that there will be so many emotions over the next 12 months. But I know that JoY will prevail once he is safely in my arms once again. I can hardly wait for the joy.

Overheard..

The next generation of Super Heroes were in my van today...
This is what I heard...

"There aren't any villans yet. Once we get ready and have our super powers then there will be super villans to capture!"

I wish I lived in their world sometimes!

Tagged Again...

From Silly

I AM: up way later than I should be
I WANT: my husband to come back home safely
I HATE: ticks!
I LOVE: my husband and children

I MISS: Mike
I FEAR: losing my husband
I HEAR: the aquarium
I WONDER: where life will take me
I REGRET: not going to school sooner (because then I would be finished!)

I AM NOT: very confident with myself
I DANCE: only with babies!
I SING: alot when I am driving

I AM NOT ALWAYS: right. (thought I try to be!)
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: shadow puppets?!
I WRITE: because it helps me to articulate how I feel
I CONFUSE: simple words sometimes
I NEED: my friends
I SHOULD: not procrastinate on my schoolwork
I START: a lot of things
I FINISH: only those things that are important to me

For You, Mike...

It's Father's Day and I just wanted you to know how wonderful of a father you are. Our children are so lucky to have you. You are the perfect balance of compassion, discipline, and fun. I am in awe everytime I watch you with our children. The way they look up to you (and not just because you are so tall) just melts my heart. I just want you to know how very much it means to me that my lover, my best friend, is also the best father I know. We love you.
I thought I would post some pics of the kids from today... who wouldn't be proud to call these children their own!

Hey There, Tiger

It's been a good week so far. Much better than that first week after Mike left in Feb. The weather has been phenomenal. We have been outside playing everyday once the kids get home from 'summer school'. (I use the quotes because even though this program is through the school, it's fun, free, included breakfast and lunch and pays my kids if they have perfect attendance for all 20 days they are in session. You can't beat it!) Tomorrow a friend and I will take the kids to the pool on base after school. It should be fun. I was watering the yard this evening and decided to take some pictures of the tiger lillies in the front yard before they dry up (we need rain!). Here is one of the lillies as well as one of the wagon wheel in my flower bed.

Good Day, Sunshine

I got a lot accomplished today.

I spoke with the Mom of the incident again today. I have told her that sleepovers are off and that I must be there for play dates at her home. I know I am making the right choice here, it's just hard to be so firm sometimes. But it's my child and it has to be this way. Crazy thing is that I probably wouldn't set as firm of a boundary if the situation didn't involve my child, only myself.

I got to see and speak to Mike online this morning. It sucks that he is so far away, but it is comforting to be able to see him.

A friend came to make invites for her daughter's birthday party. I think they came out cute and she was happy with them as well.

Another friend stopped in to say HI... I love her! :) It seems she always pops up when I need to see her most.

After that I tinkered around the house a bit then went out to cut the grass. I am so thankful Mike fixed the riding lawnmower while he was home. I would have not gotten the yard done if I had to use the push mower again.

The kids got home and we finished separating the boys clothes. They got their own rooms last week and I still needed to get some of Lauren’s things out of Jake’s new closet. Once we finished with the boys stuff, I went through Lauren’s clothes and pulled out the things that no longer fit or that she just won’t wear. I am having a yard sale this weekend and figured now was as good a time as any to get this done and out of the house.

After dinner I had to replace the belt on the vacuum and clean dog hair. I also brushed one of the dogs. The other wouldn’t sit still long enough!

Now I am just surfin’ the net. I think I’m going to go give my dog a bath.

It’s days like today that make me feel really good. I feel like I got a lot done. I hope tomorrow is just as busy!

What do you do?

Say your daughter goes to spend the night at a friend's house.

Say she tells you that she saw the father's butt. naked.

Say it is because he went to the kitchen to get a drink in the middle of the night and because he thought everyone was asleep, didn't bother to put any clothes on.


What would you do?



Lauren went to spend the night at a friend's house. Around 11:30 that night I felt like I just needed her home. Like something was wrong. I tried to shake the feeling, but I couldn't. I finally called to just check on her. The Mom answered the phone and said that her daughter was sleeping but that Lauren was still awake. I asked to talk to her and she was fine. I then told the Mom that I just had a strange feeling and I needed to her to bring Lauren home (Mike was gone and the boys were asleep). She brought her home and I was talking to her. She mentioned that while she was watching tv she saw the Dad's butt. I asked if she saw anything else and she said no. I left it at that. The more I thought about it though, the more uncomfortable I grew with the entire situation. First, I was upset she was up at midnight when I called. Then I was upset that he was irresponsible with my child in the house. The girls were sleeping on the sofa bed so they were in view of the kitchen.
I spoke to the Mom yesterday and told her that I was uncomfortable with what I learned from Lauren and that sleepovers are off as well as playdates (at least for the time being). She said that he does sleep nude and occationally will go get a drink that way once everyone is asleep. I told her that what they do within their family is not my business, but it was irresponsible of him to do it while someone else's child was in the home. I told her that I have issues of my own and that I was not happy with the situation. I often sleep in just a tshirt and panties, but if the kids have friend's over, I always put on shorts as well because you never know when they will be awake or what not.
Man this parenting this is hard. I am glad my "Mommy radar" went off. But I am now even more fearful about letting my kids, particularly Lauren, sleep at friend's houses. As of right now, I have put a ban on sleepovers. For all of my kids.

Three Things

The Good:

1. Mike's trip was completed safely.

2. My student loan money came through. WooHoo!!

The Bad:

1. Stepdad in hospital. Tree limb on head = concussion and fractured skull.

2. Issue with daughter's friend and a sleepover.. ugh.

The Exhausted:

ME!!! Please let the kids sleep LATE tomorrow morning!

gone again...

He left this morning to head back to Korea.

We had a great time while he was home. The kids were so happy to be with Daddy. Even his 'stupid' dog was excited! I am so thankful for the time we got to spend together.

Flying-by Posting

Just a quick update for now. I am trying to avoid facing all the things going on right now.
Mike goes back to Korea next Friday. I have to figure out how to pay a $500 deductible on my van as well as $1200 tuition for my summer session of school. My BABY is in kindergarten! They started summer school Wednesday. I can’t believe she is riding the BUS! Oh, and that addition we wanted to put on the house?! It’s looking like about $50K+… ugh.. No one wants to “come this far out” to do the work. We are only about 25 miles from town. But, ok. I guess the time just isn’t right for it now.
Mike and I went out to lunch yesterday. Then we went to a movie last night. It was nice to just be out with him. We are taking the kids out to dinner tonight and to the Game X-change. They are thrilled. We have been really enjoying having him back home. Even though the time is limited. We’ll take what we can get!

Fender Bender

Um, I got into an accident today. But it totally was NOT my fault. Um, unless the insurance company decides I was, because the officer said it's up to them. Nice.

Tagged by Jeanne

Name 5 things in your refrigerator
1. watermelon
2. milk
3. garlic cheese
4. apple berry salsa
5. pickles

Name 5 things in your closet
1. shoes I don't wear
2. a box of um... bedroom toys
3. journals
4. clothes
5. a box of memories

Name 5 things in your purse
1. gum
2. tampons
3. pictures of other peoples kids
4. receipts
5. cell phone

I'm not tagging anyone, because everyone I know has been tagged. But, if you read this and haven't been tagged, consider this your cue!

Dejected Elation

The kids and I got to the airport around 6:20 last night. His flight was to land around 7.
We were all so giddy with excitement!
Finally, people started to spill through the arrival gate! We watched a plane from Chicago unload, then two other planes. Then we watched as an attendant shut the sliding glass door and lock it. I felt so dejected! The kids were utterly confused. We walked over to the baggage claim, just to make sure he didn’t walk right by us. Nope, no Mike.
My cell phone rang at that moment. It was Mike. He says “I guess you have realized by now that I wasn’t on that flight”. Uh, right. Evidently, they were working on his plane, while they were waiting, on the plane. He said he was waiting for them to either finish working on the plane or for the crew to arrive for the next flight, which ever came first. He said he would call me back once he knew what time he would be arriving. The last thing I wanted to do was to sit in the airport for at least 2 hours with three upset kids. So, I did what any sane person would do. I loaded the kids back in the van and headed for Target! We went in and bought a new DVD player for the van (the old one needed replaced). And of course we needed a few new movies to watch. We got back in the van around 9. Since I hadn’t heard from Mike yet, I figured it was still at LEAST 2 hours until he would arrive. I called a friend to have her look up the flight times for me. Two planes were headed in from Dallas, landing at 9:15 and 9:23. These were the two planes Mike spoke about, so I knew he was on one of them. We go back to the airport and go in just in time watch him walk off the plane… sweet! The kids were thrilled and I was so relieved. We got home around 11 last night. It’s so good to have him home.

T - 27 Hours

OMG... he will be home tomorrow!! I will be pulling out of the driveway at this time tomorrow night to pick him up from the airport!!! YAY!!!

Getting Giddy

With excitement.

Mike will board a plane in about 24 hours to COME HOME!! I can hardly stand the excitement I am feeling!!




In other news:

Lauren did great at her dance recital yesterday!! She didn't cover her face this time!! GO GIRL!

I had someone come out today to give us a quote for an addition on the house! We want to add a master suite. We will meet with him on Friday to find out the numbers. I hope and pray this is something feesible for us!!

My kids are bored. It's been summer vacation for five days and they are bored! Nice.

It's a Bit Foggy in Here...

In my head that is.

At least that is how I have felt lately. It seems that as my life gets most simple, the foggier my brain gets. It's like I don't know how to think if I'm not going 90 miles a minute.

Mike will be home in about four days. I can not wait to see him. To hold him. To smell him. The simple things.

She Did What

Lauren graduated from preschool today. OMG, does that officially make her a kindergartener?!

My Mom sent her a little sewing machine as a gift. Since Lauren sees me quilting, she always wants to sew too. Right now she is playing around with the machine. I figure if I let her figure it out on her own she would have some fun. Then I will give her a project to sew… doesn’t she look so determined?!

What's it to You?!

Today is Mother’s Day. It’s a day to celebrate the person who brought us into this world. The woman who, for most of us, saw us through our infancy, our toddler-hood and those awkward school years. She put up with us through out teens and stood by us in our twenties as we tried to figure out who just who we are and what the heck we are doing. I know I owe a lot of who I am to my Mother. She gave to us selflessly and always sacrificed her needs for our wants. I am grateful to my Mother-in Law. She is the reason I have a husband who shows such compassion and respect.

As I sit here, I try to imagine what Mother’s Day will be like for me in 15 years. My kids will be 24, 22, and 20 then. I wonder if their kids will horde school made gifts in their backpacks until Sunday morning, so Mommy will be surprised as Lauren did for me this morning. I wonder if they will even have kids yet.

I woke this morning to the sound of my babies playing. I knew that there would be no gifts of jewelry or no meal out to celebrate unless it was something I did for myself. With Mike in Korea, it would be difficult for him to orchestrate such a thing. But those things don’t really appeal to me anyway. I love the little gifts the kids make themselves. They hold so much more meaning to me.

Last year for Mother’s Day, Mike got a new grill. Yes, you read that right, he got a grill. I didn’t get a tangible gift. But, I did have my children, and that is something not every woman can say. I know there are many women out there struggling just to be able to be Mothers. I know that the honor of being called Mom is not something to be taken lightly. And as a Mother, I know the job isn’t always easy. And the rewards are sometimes slow to come.

Today I was grateful for what I do have. I have three beautiful, healthy children. We are very fortunate for all the things we have. It is sometimes easy to lose sight of the simple things. When my children come up to me, and wrap their arms around me and tell me that they love me… that is the best gift ever. What more could a Mother want?

That's More Like It...

So, they kids woke me with breakfast. Then let me sleep as late as I wanted.
The rest of the day they played really well together.
I often wonder if my stress doesn't make me blow things out of proportion. I know the kids were off yesterday. Amy even commented on it when she was here. But I know that my frame of mind didn't help things any. Today should be a great day. I am DONE with another semester of classes!!
I am so looking forward to Mike being home. I am dreading what is to come once he returns to Korea, but I can't let that get in the way of enjoying the time we get together.
Things look so much better today.

A Ray of Light

So, I went to bed at midnight last night. Lauren was wiggling around in her bed, so I told her to come sleep with me. I needed a snuggle buddy. So she climbed into my bed and I went into the bathroom. And I heard it.
"Lauren, did you just throw up in my bed?"
"Uh huh, and... "
"More huh?"
So, I put her in the tub, stripped by bed, found clean sheets. Got her cleaned up, the bed remade and us back into it. She was so sweet. She said "Mom, I told you I didn't feel good". And she did before she went to bed last night.
What a way to end a shitty day.

The kids woke me up at 8 this morning. With breakfast!! It was so sweet. They made Fruity Pebbles, toast, pop tarts and a cheese stick. I also had a cup of milk in a My Little Pony cup. Best breakfast ever. And they let me go back to sleep. Until 11 this morning, when I got up on my own.

I so hope this is the start of a wonderful day.

Limbo Lower Now

I feel so low today. Maybe it is because of all the change going on in my life. I really can’t pinpoint it right now. The kids are almost done with school. They have Sports Day on Monday. Lauren has preschool graduation on Tuesday. The other kids get out at 1230 and that is all. They will have a two week break and then summer school for 4 weeks.
I have to turn in two finals tomorrow and my semester is over. I will be on break for three weeks.
Mike comes home in about 10 days. I can’t wait to see him. The feeling is so bittersweet though. Because it means we are that much closer to him going ‘over there’. And that scares me. I am sure what I am feeling is normal. I can’t imagine not feeling some trepidation about the upcoming ‘tour’. But I don’t want my fear to cloud the enjoyment of him being home.
The kids are off. I don’t know what it is, but they have just been crazy this week. Maybe it is the end of school year. Or the fact that they know Daddy is coming home. Or they can feel what I am feeling and don’t know how to respond to it. Whatever it is, I hope we can move past it. One more day like today and I may just go insane!
My friend is on her way to pick up her husband. He is coming home for a one month visit from ‘over there’. His coming home just signals the impending arrival of Mike.
I just wish my thoughts of ‘what if’ would subside. But I guess it is just part of the job description of a military wife.
Today I was thinking about what I would do if ‘something’ happened to Mike. We love where we live now. We want to raise the kids here. The kids love the school and their friends and they really don’t want to move. But I don’t think I would stay here without Mike. But I know that I don’t want to live ‘back home’. I wonder what Mike would want me to do in that situation. The more I think about this, the more confusing it gets. I mean, I turned it all around in my head, What if it was reversed. I don’t think I could just say THIS is what I want. Because I would want him to do whatever would make him happiest, and I would trust his judgment on what he would think would be best for our children. I don’t know where I am going with this.
I guess I am just feeling a little lost. I am feeling the weight of all this responsibility on my shoulders. And I just want someone else to bear the load for a while.
I was listening to the radio today. And this woman was talking about motherhood. And she said that in order to raise children ‘right’, we need to have a plan. It’s funny I caught this program, because so much of what she said were things that had been bouncing around in my head. Anyway, I realize that in my parenting, I have just been winging it to get to the next stage. I don’t really have any idea on what I want the ‘end product’ to be. I mean, sure I have things in my mind that I would like my kids to accomplish. But I haven’t really sat down and thought it out. And I think that I need to sit down and think about what I want for my children. I think it would help me to be a better Mom to have some goal to work towards for and with each child. Because right now it feels like I’m just flailing.

UGH..

I just type a LONG post.. and lost it... I am going to go scream now....

The Man

I spoke to Mike this weekend. A few times. It felt so good.
Sometimes we will have Skype on and both be doing our 'thing' but the fact that we are 'together' makes it ok that we aren't engaged in conversation every moment we are online. I think it speaks volumes that we can be content just in each others presence without words.

Mike was interviewed a few weeks back. I still don't get what she is doing the interviews/research for other than she is going to write a book; but I could be wrong. I was on Skype with Mike as he was on the phone with Dawn during the interview. The portion I heard was of course one sided, as I couldn't hear her. I listened for over an hour as he gave answers to her questions. I could get the basic jest of her questioning just by his answer. At the time my heart swelled with pride for the man I married. There are so many things that are just known or understood between two people sometimes. I knew Mike felt the way about a lot of the things he said just because I know Mike. But to hear the words come from him, from his own viewpoint. It was amazing.

He sent me a copy of the interview as Dawn forwarded it to him. As I read through, I see so much more that what is there in those paragraphs. She highlights quotes from Mike, filling in explainations in her own words. As I read it, I can hear the words Mike used. I feel the interview she forwarded explains some things, and maybe they are just what she was looking for. But I also see a man who is willing to sacrifice so much for everyone else. A man who is the ideal of selflessness. A man I am proud to call my husband.

Let's Get Physical...

What I need right now is a huge comforting hug. Things are so crazy right now.
I am thrilled about Mike coming home, but dreading his leaving again. Because I KNOW where he goes next. And I am terrified about it. I keep having these morbid thoughts, and I just don't know how to make them go away.
My MIL is sick. I'm terrified of what is to come.
I've been thinking alot about the situation at 'home'. My Mom, Sister and Neice. It just pains me to see my sister in so much pain, her daughter needing her and my Mom so stressed about it all.
Throw in the everyday madness around here and I just want to sit and sob for a few hours.

My Dad called me tonight. From China. I emailed him on his birthday back in Feb. This is the first I've heard from him since before then. It's frustrating. I would love to have a relationship with my father. I would love for him to be a part of my chidren's lives. He just isn't 'there' for us consistiantly and it hurts. When he called tonight and asked how things are going I broke down. I hate that I did too. I don't want him to see me so raw.

Mike is in the field. I want to talk to him. I need to hear him.

Only 15 school days left until summer. FIFTEEN.

Dogwoods

I went to Louisiana for a week. Everything bloomed while I was gone... Here are a couple of pictures of one of my dogwood trees. Spring WOULD be my favorite time of year if only I could breathe with out sneezing and see everything through the tears and swelling in my eyes! I must go take care of these darn seasonal allergies.

Change #.. I've lost track!!

OK, so his leave has been pushed back, but he gets to stay home longer!
So, we expect to see him from May 22 - June 10.
The kids are thrilled to get to see Daddy!!

Coming Home...

MIKE IS COMING HOME!!!

He gets to come home from May 8 until the 19th-ish... YAY!!!!!
OMG, I AM SOOOO EXCITED!!!

and a big comfort, the Army is picking up the tab!!! $1600!!!


I GET TO SEE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!

Here We Go...

Iraq

1 June

1 year

A Little Nothingness

Borrowed, from Sillypants ( http://mccfamily.blogspot.com/ )

Describe yourself using only one word.

1. Yourself: caring
2. Your Lover: selfless
3. Your Hair: long
4. Your Mother: nurturing
5. Your Father: distant
6. Your Favorite Item: laptop
7. Your Dream Last Night: forgotten
8. Your Favorite Drink: water
9. Your Dream Home: here
10. The Room You Are In: cozy
11. Your Pet(s): stupid
12. Who You Are Now: Mom
13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: graduated
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: secure
15. What You're Not: ignorant
16. Your Best Friend: away
17. One of Your Wish list Items: Mike
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: wake-up
20. What You Are Wearing: pajamas
21. Your Favorite Weather: autumn
22. Your Favorite Book: any
23. The Last Thing You Ate: York
24. Your Life: fulfilling
25. Your Mood: mellow

Blown Pupil or Fun Time in the ER

I raked a bunch of leaves in the yard today. We were supposed to get some really strong storms, and well, lots of wind. So I figured I would rake the leaves to the middle of the yard and let the wind take them! LOL

Well, my allergies started acting up. I took a claritin and put some eye drops in my itchy eye. Only one was bugging me.

After I did that, I came inside and made dinner. The kids and I ate and I went to take a shower. Matthew is starting PeeWee Basketball, and tonight was the first night. Well, when i went into my bathroom my eye felt strange. So, I looked in the mirror and the pupil in the eye that I put the drops in was fully dilated. Strange. I went ahead and took my shower and the kids ready to go. Lauren was headed to a friends house because she didn't want to sit through basketball again (Jacob has his night Tuesday). Well, her friend's Dad is a dr, so I had him look at my eye... He said that I should go to the ER to get it checked. I said that after Matthew's practice I would go in.

We get to basketball and one of Matthew's friends Dad is a PA, so I asked him what he thought. He said it was likely a reaction to the drops, but that I should get checked anyway. So, I got another Mom to drop Matthew off at Lauren's friends house (they offered to keep the kids for me). I dropped Jacob off there as well and headed to the ER. After sitting there for 3 hours, my eye wasn't as dilated. The dr finally came in to talk to me. He said he had been doing some research to see what may have caused it. Basically, we believe it was from the eye drops (which is strange because I have used these drops many times and never had an issue with them).

Since the kids were asleep, I left them at my friend's house. I will go get them before school in the morning. It feels soooo strange to be alone in my house!!

The Tooth is Gone!!

And I am LOVING his grin!!

Word of the Day...

As of our convesation this morning, which is subject to change at any moment, he *may* be going to Iraq en route to Hawaii...
And it is still being said that the tour is 24 months unaccompanied. I wonder if the en route part counts toward the 24 month part.. hmmmmm..

In other news, Jacob's other top tooth came out, sometime after midnight last night, but before 8 am this morning. We have no idea where the tooth is, but given a guess, I'd say watch his digestive tract.
Speaking of digestive tracts, I woke to the most nauseating smell this morning. I should have let the dog out at 4:30 when I got up to pee.. yuck. Steam cleaning the carpets at 6:30 am is not my idea of a pleasant morning.

Tomorrow is dentist appointments. Should be interesting.
Wednesday involves an ultrasound of Lauren's kidneys. We are looking for any damage caused by her kidney reflux. Have I mentioned that here?! If not, there we go, now I have. I'm sure I'll write more about it one day.

Oh,and I am contemplating whether or not I want to drive home for Easter. The kids only get a 4 day weekend. I am looking at the dates and seeing if I can make this thing work. I have a term paper and two midterms due that weekend, so we shall see.

Front Teeth

I pulled one of Jacob's front teeth this weekend! The other is not far behind!!

Waivering...

Thinking about actually moving to Hawaii..... hmmmmmm

Adult Decision Making SUCKS

Mike called.. we needed to make a decision ASAP:

Option 1:
Stay in Korea until next Feb. Come home (probably). He would work a desk job.

Option 2:
Go to Hawaii. It is now a 3 year tour. Most likely do at least a year of those 3 in Iraq. We would stay here. Keep our home and stability for the children.

Option 3:
Go to Hawaii. 3 year tour. One year of that in Iraq. The kids and I relocate to Hawaii. We sell house and most of our posessions.

WTF do you choose?! What is the lesser of the 3 evils.

In option 1, Mike is miserable with his job. He isn't furthering his career and losing valuable training time. We are still apart. BUT, he comes home (hopefully to Missouri) in a year.

In option 2, we are apart. BUT the kids are stable. They are doing really well in school and do NOT want to move. I have a huge support system here. I am comfortable being here while Mike is deployed/away. Three years is a long time.

In option 3, we are together. Mostly. Sometimes. We really don't know how much of that time will be spent deployed. We would have to sell the house and most of our possesions or put it all in storage. The kids don't want to move. From what I hear, Hawaii is an expensive place to live, there is a lot of prejudice against white people, and the schools aren't good. In 3 years, who knows what we will have to show for our *adventure*.

So, Mike calls, and needs a decision in 20 minutes. WTF do you do?! How do you choose?! I'm following my heart. And it hurts to make ANY of these decisions. But we did make a choice. And I think we are both content with it. God, let it be the right choice.

She is too smart for her own good...

Lauren and I were headed somewhere in the truck the other day. She was buckled into her car seat. On the seat next to her was a doll carrier with her bear strapped in. She wanted to take the bear out and I told her that it wasn't safe. Her reply?! "Mom, it's ok. She is replaceable."

Strep, Finals and a Birthday Party...

Our week in review...

Tuesday was another busy day. I accomplished the following:
- Made dental appts for the kids and myself.
- Made an appt to get fingerprinted so that I can sub at the school.
- Walked two and a half miles.
- Found the bills for the atv. They are from Retail Services. The same company as the laptops. I never opened them because I thought they were the HP bills, and we didn't owe on them yet. OOOOPPPS.
- Took the tire off Jacob's four wheeler. I submerged it in water to see if I could find a hole. No luck. Not sure if it's just a slow leak or what?! I put the tire back on, reinflated it and I'll check tomorrow to see if the air is still leaking.
- Found a replacement cap for Matthew's four wheeler since I cracked the original last week trying to loosen it to put gas. It just so happened to be sitting on the 5 gallon gas can. It fit, so I drilled a couple of vent holes.
- Worked on a quilt for Jennifer.

On Wednesday I finished the quilt. I was short on the batting I had so I had to go to the fabic store for more. Wanna see the quilt?!

Amy and I had lunch with a friend too. I also did some schoolwork and just hung out with my babies.

On Thursday Matthew wasn't feeling well so he stayed home. I did walk him into the clinic for a throat culture because I thought he had strep. The doctor didn't think he did, but swabbed his throat for me anyway. I then dropped Matthew at a friends so I could go with another friend to pick up the van. The van is back, but not before the dealership put 128 miles on and a bag of trash inside my van. Nice. Nancy was a blessing and drove the girls to dance. I walked 4.2 miles with Amy, Kirsten and Jen. It felt great! Both the walking and chatting with adults!!

Lauren was diagnosed with a UTI last week. We had her follow up appt on Friday. Everything looks good, but they want to do a couple of test to see if she has kidney reflux. My sister, her daughter and my other neice have all had issues, as well as my mother in law, so hopefully this will just rule out any issues for Lauren. We have one test on Thursday and the other on the 29th. I picked up the antibiotics the dr prescribed for Matthew even though his culture results weren't in. He stayed home Friday too because he was worst. I started the meds that morning. The nurse called me around 2 to let me know that he did in fact have strep. He is doing much better now. Back to school for him tomorrow. Friday night Heather and Lillian arrived to spend the weekend with us!

Saturday was Lauren's party. Jacob and I went to the commisary for last minute stuff then to Wal-Mart to pick up the cake. We came home and got everything set up. The party went well. Everyone had a good time. I spent the better part of last night completing my finals for my classes.

Got up this morning and just couldn't believe that my BABY is five today! WOW. I showered and we dropped the boys off for the day. Heather, Lillian, Lauren and I went to Springfield to the mall. We hit Build a Bear first. The girls had fun, as did we. We then walked around the mall a little and got cookies for the girls. Then it was on the road for Heather and Lillian, long drive home. Lauren and I went to Target first then headed home as well. We picked up the boys and came home. After dinner we all played Clue and now they are all in bed. I really should be heading there myself. My day starts at 6 and who knows what this week will hold!

Today's Highlights...

Updates from the last post..
... I called the atv credit people. I made a payment and have to call them back Friday to see if they will reverse the two $39 late fees.
... I called the boob dr about the bill. Evedently, our insurance paid the bill three days after they mailed it to me.

Other things I did today..
... I called to check the status of the van. Did I tell you it's in the shop?! It should be done by Wednesday. $110 for a new ignition switch, installed.
... I called about the boys atv's. The place we bought from owes us a body. And I cracked the gas cap this weekend and need to order a new one. And Jacob's has a flat (I should be able to plug it).
... I went to the college to see what I need to finish my degree. 13 classes!! I will be done next summer. woohooo.
... I also took a friend's daughter to the dr for her, went to the commisary and the post office.
... The boys had karate tonight. They are done. I think it's just too much for them. Time to move on.

And now, I must sleep. I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!

Busy/Crazy Week...

So I am starting to think that my Wednesdays are cursed. On the 8th Mike left for Korea. On the 15th I just couldn't cheer up and cried all damn day. On the 22nd Lauren spiked a fever of 103.5, Matthew stayed home sick and the van broke. Joy. The van is now in the shop, I'm waiting for the bill...
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Lauren went back to school (first day this week!) and I got some housework done. Today was pretty good. I took the kids to see Hoodwinked, cute movie! I did get a collection bill for the ATV account. The shitty thing is that I've never gotten a bill from them, but I get this! NICE.. and they probably won't talk to me about it because my name isn't on the account. Oh and I got another bill from my breast consult last July. The one Tricare was supposed to pay. The one that was supposed to be a "free consultation". Whatever.
Gotta run. The dog just puked. In Matthew's bed...

And And And

The kids are dong alright. Matthew is really whiny. I don't know what to do for him. He gets so angry when things don't go his way. I need to work with him to find a way for him to cope. Jacob is doing good. He has been so lovey lately. Lauren is doing good too. She says she misses Daddy at least four times a day... Overall, they seem to be handling things well.
I'm doing ok. I'm still pissed about the way this entire thing had been played. And I'm really upset about having to be apart for so long. I try not to think too much about it, but it's hard and it sucks. My heart just aches when I think of all the time we won't be together. And all the things Mike will miss with the kids. And all the times the kids will wish Daddy was home. At night, once the kids are in bed, is the loneliest time for me. I have nothing to distract me as I lie in our bed alone. It's here, now, that I just wish it was all over and done with. I know the time will pass and we will be together again. And part of me wishes I could just fast forward it. But then that would be fast forwarding the kids as well and I'm just not ready for that!
For now, I'll go to sleep. And tomorrow I will get up and go on just like I do everyday. And I'll get excited when I get to see him on the web cam. And my heart will skip a beat when he emails me. I'll smile for everyone and get through my day. Then I'll climb in bed tomorrow night and wish we could be together...

Crappy Day..

I'm in a crappy mood today. I feel like I could cry at any minute. Maybe it's all sinking in? Whatever it is, SUCKS! I feel like the saddest person on earth right now... ugh

Valentine's Day

Yeah, I know it was yesterday. The kids and I went and had our picture taken! :) I was going to send them to Mike as a suprise, but I already showed them to him! hehe
Here are the pictures, in case ya wanna see them too!



I hope everyone had a day filled with LOVE! We did!

Hawaii...

So it doesn't look like we can get out of the Hawaii assignment. And part of me wonders if he really wants to. Not because he doesn't want to be with us, but because of the opportunities at the other side of this thing. Let me explain:
- If he goes to Hawaii, they ARE going to Iraq. And the reason little boys dream of joining the military is to serve their country. How many veterans do you know that say, "Yeah, I was in the military during the war, but I stayed in the states the whole time". I mean, the reason to serve and to train is to use that knowledge. This would give him the opportunity to do just that. To be in that combat situation he has dreamed of since he was a child. To give more meaning to his time in service.
- If he goes to Hawaii, it's a good career move. You can't stay at one place too long, or you stagnate. Your chances for promotion are not as good, and you don't get the leadership opportunities you have elsewhere.

The down side to all this is more time apart.
There are options for us, with a Hawaii move:
1. The kids and I can stay here. Mike would be in Hawaii two years. A year of that would be spent in Iraq. We know that. We would be apart, but the kids would have stability. (Matthew REALLY doesn't want to move.)
2. We could all move to Hawaii. Mike would be assigned there for three years. One of which would be spent in Iraq. If we go, the kids and I would be on the Island without any family for a long time. And I don't even want to think about what a plane ticket to Hawaii cost, let alone 4 tickets. In other words, our ability to see family would be practically non-existent. Not to mention having to sell the house and figure out what to do with all our stuff because we can't take it all with us.

Oh, in option 1, we don't know when he would go to Iraq. It would most likely be 6 months or so after he gets there. So it would be Hawaii - Iraq - Hawaii - Home.

I am afraid that IF we go with him, we would never see him anyway. And we don't want to uproot the kids to be with Daddy when we wouldn't BE with Daddy anyway.

All of this makes me want to scream and cry. I want to throw a huge tantrum at the injustice of it all! But it won't change things. And really, as a soldier, isn't it his mission to serve our country as needed? And as his wife, I support him 100%. So I need to just step back, look at the bigger picture, and just deal with what is at hand. The decisions will come with time. And I know we will be fine with whatever happens. I just don't deal well with so many unknowns.

I got a couple of emails, and he called, last night. Mike is safely in Korea..

I got up this morning, and there was another email from Mike.... this is what he said...

"...I got some shitty news from the brigade sergeant major this morning. The brigade is moving to Hawaii and my battalion is going in or around July. The problem is that they are saying everyone is going, and upon arrival in Hawaii they say unaccompanied will have to be on the ground for 24 months and accompanied will be there for 36. The time spent in Korea is just "bonus" time. I am going to see if I can get more info this week. ..."

and of course it's the weekend. We won't know anything more until next week at least, and I expect not for a while. I can't even think straight right now.. this is crazy!

Gone...

Mike left for Korea yesterday morning.
I did some crying. The kids skipped karate and we just hung out after school. Everyone is reaching out to me and it makes me feel good and it makes me want to cry. I am surrounded by such wonderful people.

Overheard

I was just passing the bathroom, Matthew is in the tub, Mike is getting some of his stuff out of the bathroom...
and I hear Matthew say.... "yeah, it's like a sacrifice, you have to go away for a year so we can stay here"...

*sniff, sniff*

It'll Be Alright...

Sucking on the Updates...

It's been busy here. And Mike leaves in a week. ACK
Not much to say... still in school, Ethics teacher with the "borrowed" syllabis.. nice. Kids are great. Life is good. Here is a picture for good measure...



Sleep-overs are lots of fun.. esp when Mom and Dad let you slide down the hallway on your belly!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun...

So I have a couple of five years old and a 4.5 year old here. They are eating lunch, telling secrets and giggling... Man I love little girls.

They are planning their next get together. They are debating whether to have a dance party or a disco party... because it matters! When they are done eating, they will disappear to Lauren's room to dress and cover the carpet in as many toys are they can possible dump out from the closet and bins in her room.

I remember being their age. When having fun and playing were the most important part of my day. My Barbie and Cabbage Patch Doll where my best friends. Now I see my daughter, loving that same Cabbage Patch kid. And playing with her Barbie dolls and Polly Pockets. I love to see her lost in a world where her imagination can take her anywhere... and when she is surrounded by her friends, the possibilities of play are endless...

We are geeks

I got a new laptop!!
Here is the view from my chair...

All Too Real...

There is a pile of clothes, books, golf clubs, shoes, and the rest of Mike's things in the family room right now. It's waiting for the movers to get here tomorrow. He's moving out. It's only "temporary". As temporary as a year in Korea can be. The entire thing is staring me in the face now, and I just want to run and hide. I'm ok most of the time.
I broke down last night on the way home from karate. I got in and just cried in his arms. He leaves in three weeks. Three weeks. The kids are starting to understand how close it's getting. I'm sick that it's as close as it is. I know that once he is gone, it will be easier. This anticipation of saying goodbye is the hardest part. I hope I can keep it together, at least in front of the kids.

Annoyed

I am sooo dang annoyed with one of my instructors this session.
The instructor for our ethics class (online) "borrowed" the sylabus from another instructor. She didn't bother to update it with her own information. The dates that assignments are due haven't been changed from last session either. There were some questions as to what was due, and she didn't give clear answers. Then she emailed the entire class and asked what we thought about her changing the format of what would be due. Quite a few students have emailed her back about this as well as asking for clarification on what we are expected to turn in for this class. She has yet to respond to ANYONE! It's getting really frustrating. Oh, and when she does type anything, be it in email or on the class forum, she types in all caps! HOW ANNOYING!!!
I just hope these next 7 weeks of this class go by pretty quick. I don't know long I can deal with the incompetence of an upper level college instructor. UGH

On the Brink

I feel like I am on the brink of something. I know Mike leaving is a huge thing right now, but that isn't what this is about. Don't get me wrong, I am struggling with that too, but this is different.

This has to do with babies. And no, I'm not pregnant. I am very content with three children. And my kids are at a great age, independence wise. Lauren gave herself a bath last night without prompting. All of my children get themselves dressed every morning and make their own breakfast. It's amazing the little people they are. A few of my friends have told me how good I have it since my kids enjoy doing these things for themselves. And I agree with them. Mostly. I really miss them needing me to do things for them. And I think it's made me too lax in my parenting in other areas. I want my children to know that they are responsible for their actions, behaviors and fulfilling their role in the family. It takes all of us being there for ourselves and each other to make it. I certainly can't imagine doing everything for all of them all the time. There was a time a few years ago when I did. It had to be that way because of their ages. I am slowly turning things over to them.

So I guess what is bothering me is that most of my friends have kids younger than my own. That is great in it's own right, since I get to cuddle and snuggle their babies and give them back and sleep all night. But it makes me long for the days when my kids were that little. You know, the days we wish away when we say "if only he would feed himself", "if only she just go potty and not tell me everytime she needs to go", or "if only my kids would sleep in". Over Christmas break, my kids learned to sleep until about 9:30. It was heavenly. What was better was that when they did get up, they didn't feel the need to come wake us up. They made some cereal or waffles for breakfast, watched tv, drew pictures, and just played with each other. We were free to sleep in and just be lazy. And as much as I loved that freedom, I missed the snuggles in the morning (though Lauren will still occationally join me for a morning snuggle).

I guess we are at a new stage of this parenting/growing thing. Maybe I am just reflecting on their babyhood that seems to be so fleeting. My baby will be FIVE in a couple of months. And while it pains me to see them move on from something so familiar to me, I am encouraged by the prospect of what is to come. It's all a journey, and I feel like we are embarking on a new leg of the trip. I guess I need to pack those memories away for a while, and focus on the road ahead. I'm sure it will have some bumps, but in a few years, when we look back and long for the days when life seemed so different.

It's a New Year

I was asked today what New Year Resolutions I had made. My friend was suprised when I said none. I've tried making them in the past and by Jan 3 I have stopped, because I hate being restricted like that. Exercise more, eat less, eat healthier. Aren't those the big three? Well, yeah, I want to do those things, but for me, right now, they are not the biggest priorities. My focus this year is going to be to get through, as sanely as possible, as a single mother of three while my husband puts in his time in Korea. It's a choice we made together. I've known it was coming, and I chose not to dwell on it until after Christmas.

It's after Christmas. In 38 days my husband will board a flight for Korea. We've done this before. We are in a better place financially than we were then. I am in a much better place mentally than I was back then. But the kids are older. Last time, I moved back to my Mom's with a two year old and a four month old. This time, I am staying in our home with a nine year old, a seven year old and an almost five year old. Not only will I have to deal with my emotions over him being so far away, but also the emotions of our children over why Daddy is working so far away. We know the sacrifice is worth it in the big picture. But how do you make children see that? I know they will come through it just fine. It's just alot to look at right now. The holidays were a good distraction, but now, I have to face it head on, and it sucks. The anticipation and dread are there. And I know we will be fine. I just need to make it through the next month and a half, get us into a routine once he is gone, and things will be fine.

So, if I had to give any resolutions for 2006, it would be to be the there for my kids this year. We already see the obsticles in our path. We just need to make a plan to get through them as best we can.