Monday, September 25, 2006

It hurts

When I can’t do it all.

When I want someone to comfort me, but I have to comfort everyone else instead.

When all I want is quiet and the world just keep moving around me.

When all I want is my husband home.

When my children ask for their Dad, and there is nothing I can do for them.

When I’m alone.

When I can’t ask for help, because I don’t know how.

When I feel like running.

When I cry this hard.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Just Want to QUIT!

I can not believe I am even thinking about wanting my Masters degree. I am a full time student now, online courses. I will finish my BA in Psych in May of 2007. I am getting ready to enroll in Statistics next session. Someone SHOOT ME NOW! I am sooo tired of the school thing. It's exhausting. I just need to vent..
... now I am off to finish my paper that was due Sunday... Joy.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Touched By an Angel

I got a new JOB! A paying job, which has me at the school full time. This is why my blog has been so neglected. It was either the blog or the kids, and well, they mean a little more to me! I spent last week in St Louis being trained for this job. Actually, it’s a job that I’ve been training for all my life without knowing. Last week in St Louis was only learning how to fill out the paperwork.

During one of the small group sessions I was sitting across from a woman wearing a gold chain with a pendant of a yellow ribbon hanging from it. I asked where she got it from. She said that it was given to her when her husband was in Iraq last year. He returned home last December, but she was going to wear that pendant until all of our troops returned home. I told her that Mike was in Iraq, forming a bond between her and me. After a lunch break, she approached me, and handed me the pendant from her chain. I told her, choking back tears, that I couldn’t take it. I did take it. I am proudly wearing it around my neck. Until my husband returns. At that point, I will pass it on to someone else just starting on this journey.

A couple of post ago, I wrote about Dad Gone Mad and Project Lovebomb, a site he started about one of our troops. I have been exchanging email with the wife of that soldier. I received one this morning about some of her feelings. It really hit home for me. She mentioned in an email that she published some of her feelings on her personal blog, but was hesitant to put it up there on the Project Lovebomb site. This was my reply:

“It is very scary stuff. I think by you, and us really, acknowledging that, it is
helpful for people to see what we are feeling. To know that what we are
going through is so real. I think this opportunity through DGM and PL has
come about for a reason, and I don't think we know the real reason yet.
What our husbands are out there doing is a very real, very dangerous thing.
I don't believe that we should keep it to ourselves so as not to offend
others. It's our lives, our emotions. We have the right to express them. I
truly think it will help others who may not be able to find the words to
express it themselves.
When someone finds out where my husband is, they start to feel sorry for us.
I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. We were and are well aware of
the risk of him being deployed. We knew when we had kids that part of that
would be spent with Daddy away, because it's the military life. I know alot
of people don't understand what it's like to not know when your loved one is
coming home. But I also wish they would realize it doesn't help to point
out how difficult it must be or 'oh wow, how do you do it?". We just do,
because we have to, ya know.”

I think that by living in a military community, more people around me understand what I am feeling and going through. But for people who aren’t around the military, it is really hard for them to understand what we are experiencing. I got my first real scare last night. I was sitting here reviewing some homework and I saw a white van pull into my driveway. I didn’t recognize it at first and got a huge lump in my throat as I walked toward the door to see who it was, not wanting my children to answer the door should it be men in uniform there to talk to me about their Daddy. It was a friend dropping something off, in her new minivan. But the fear I felt as she drove down my driveway is something I won’t soon forget.

Monday, September 04, 2006

He's Still Older

So last week Mike and I both celebrated out birthdays. He turned 31 on Wednesday. And for two whole days, I could rag on him, through email anyway, about his age. Then, on Friday, I joined him in the ranks of the thirty-somethings. He celebrated his birthday surrounded by sand and soldiers. I celebrated mine surrounded by 9 of my friends (and quite frankly, I can't tell you how many kids were running around in the yard. Just know that they outnumbered the adults!)

My girlfriends and I have started a 'window's club'. No, we aren't widows, but with our husbands deployed, it sure feels like it sometimes. We typically meet here at my house on Friday nights. We do a pot luck type dinner and the kids get to run around and wear themselves and each other out. My best friend Amy took it upon herself to invite all of our friends to join in on Friday night to celebrate my birthday. Of course not everyone could attend. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be able to say that not all of my friends were in attendance, but NINE were. It just reasures me that staying here while Mike is deployed is the best move we could have made.

As far as birthday gifts I got a couple of new outfits for that job I may be startig on Wednesday. I also got some cash, some DQ certificates and batteries. I have to say... the batteries were probably the best thing I opened... after all, it was a widow's club meeting.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Dad Gone Mad

If you have never read the blog Dad Gone Mad, where have you been?! Go on over and read what they have going on... it's amazing the love and support people show for our troops.

My online friends from my parenting websites and email list have already adopted about half of Mike's platoon. I know how much these soldier appreciate all that my friends have done for them. You wouldn't believe the difference a note or package from a stranger showing support means to them. Most of the soldiers are young, early twenties. They have never been away from home. They are supporting our way of life. I feel the least we can do it to honor then, care for them, and show them that we are behind them.