Friday, May 12, 2006

Limbo Lower Now

I feel so low today. Maybe it is because of all the change going on in my life. I really can’t pinpoint it right now. The kids are almost done with school. They have Sports Day on Monday. Lauren has preschool graduation on Tuesday. The other kids get out at 1230 and that is all. They will have a two week break and then summer school for 4 weeks.
I have to turn in two finals tomorrow and my semester is over. I will be on break for three weeks.
Mike comes home in about 10 days. I can’t wait to see him. The feeling is so bittersweet though. Because it means we are that much closer to him going ‘over there’. And that scares me. I am sure what I am feeling is normal. I can’t imagine not feeling some trepidation about the upcoming ‘tour’. But I don’t want my fear to cloud the enjoyment of him being home.
The kids are off. I don’t know what it is, but they have just been crazy this week. Maybe it is the end of school year. Or the fact that they know Daddy is coming home. Or they can feel what I am feeling and don’t know how to respond to it. Whatever it is, I hope we can move past it. One more day like today and I may just go insane!
My friend is on her way to pick up her husband. He is coming home for a one month visit from ‘over there’. His coming home just signals the impending arrival of Mike.
I just wish my thoughts of ‘what if’ would subside. But I guess it is just part of the job description of a military wife.
Today I was thinking about what I would do if ‘something’ happened to Mike. We love where we live now. We want to raise the kids here. The kids love the school and their friends and they really don’t want to move. But I don’t think I would stay here without Mike. But I know that I don’t want to live ‘back home’. I wonder what Mike would want me to do in that situation. The more I think about this, the more confusing it gets. I mean, I turned it all around in my head, What if it was reversed. I don’t think I could just say THIS is what I want. Because I would want him to do whatever would make him happiest, and I would trust his judgment on what he would think would be best for our children. I don’t know where I am going with this.
I guess I am just feeling a little lost. I am feeling the weight of all this responsibility on my shoulders. And I just want someone else to bear the load for a while.
I was listening to the radio today. And this woman was talking about motherhood. And she said that in order to raise children ‘right’, we need to have a plan. It’s funny I caught this program, because so much of what she said were things that had been bouncing around in my head. Anyway, I realize that in my parenting, I have just been winging it to get to the next stage. I don’t really have any idea on what I want the ‘end product’ to be. I mean, sure I have things in my mind that I would like my kids to accomplish. But I haven’t really sat down and thought it out. And I think that I need to sit down and think about what I want for my children. I think it would help me to be a better Mom to have some goal to work towards for and with each child. Because right now it feels like I’m just flailing.

No comments: