Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Can't Sleep

I don't have nights like this very often. I went to bed an hour ago, hoping for sleep. Instead, I cried and tossed and sobbed and turned. My heart feels so heavy today. I know part of it is hormones. A bigger part of it is missing my Mom. The other part is not having my husband near to hold me.

I think we all take for granted the power of physical touch. When children are born, we are encouraged to snuggle them. I've always been fascinated how kangaroo care for premature babies is so beneficial. We are encouraged to massage our babies and hug our children. We can see how close someone is when they touch another's arm during a converstaion, began and end a visit with a hug.

Living the military life for the past 17 years, I've not had much opportunity to be close in proximity to my family. I've gone to visit as often as I can and they come to visit us as well. I often wonder how my life, our lives, would be different if we lived closer to family.

Mike has been in Afghanistan for four months now. I visited my family in Louisiana for a weekend in June when my brother got married. We also visited Mike's Mom in June. Since then, it's just been me and the kids.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is feeling safe with my emotions. My Mom was always a source of comfort for me. Ever since I left for the Army, at 18 years old, I spoke to my Mom as often as I could. Almost always daily, sometimes multiple times a day. The thing I miss most is being able to pick up the phone and reach her when I need her. There have been so many times when I've grabbed my phone to call and remembered that she isn't there.

I think the best way to describe how I felt after she passed away was untethered. I feel like my Mom and my husband are my anchors. Without her, I feel like I'm floating. Mike being deployed only 5 months later didn't help. There have been so many times when I've just wanted, needed, to be held and I don't have that luxury. My fear is the next time I see him, and I am in his arms, I will just fall apart.

I feel like everyone expects me to be so strong and so many things they tell me that I am. It's hard to live up to those expectations. So how do I go to those people and tell them that I'm breaking? It hurts that there is no one here to help catch me when I fall.

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