Monday, March 26, 2007

Doin' the Funk

I have been in a funk lately. It is the result of a lot of little things. Mostly I feel discontent with life. I know that sounds bad, but it’s what I am feeling.

My biggest frustration right now is that we do not know where Mike will be stationed. There is a possibility he will come back here to Missouri. It is equally possible that he will be stationed anyplace else in the world. The dilemma lies in the fact that not only do we not know, it could be up to three months before we find out. If we get orders to anywhere but here, we will sell the house. I can not do more time away, apart. If we stay here, we would like to do an addition on the house. My plan was to have it done by the time Mike returned. What do they say about the best laid plans?

Another frustration is the parenting without him here. I am just tired. I am doing my best, but I’m exhausted. Even if/when I can get away, I worry about them. It is never ending. I love my children with all of my being, but I just need some time for myself.

College is almost done. I have SEVEN weeks left. Six until I walk in graduation. I am excited about being finished. I am nervous about the student loans. I am curious about how it will feel to not have assignments due. I love learning. I do think that I could, should, give more to my studies. I should apply myself more. I just can’t find any more of myself to give.

I think the last sentence of the last two paragraphs above is what this all boils down to. I need time. I need time to stop and reflect on the past 14 months. I need time to process all the things I’ve done and been through and learned. I have changed and I need time to take account of that. I need to see where I stand without all the everyday distractions. I need time to just stop and be.

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