I am going

To Hawaii

On Thursday!!!!

And I will be in his arms on Friday!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

Trip to the ER

Every Friday night, I get together with about 5 other women. It's always here at our house. I love to entertain and it feels great to be surrounded by friends. Well, since my surgery, I asked if we could switch houses every week since I can't keep up with everything right now. Everyone was fine with it. Last week, it was at Amy G.'s house. This week, at Amy H.'s house.

Well, we got there and the kids were all picked tomatoes in the backyard. Her house, like mine, backs up to the national forest. She even have a dried up creek bed.The kids started to wonder out and all of a sudden we hear YELLING from the kids! Jacob and Lauren are leading the pack back to the house. Jacob runs all the way around to the front door, won't stop for ANYONE. Everyone thought it was a snake. I get to Lauren first since I was at the back door and that is where she came. They are all yelling BEES, we got stung!!! It was chaotic trying to figure out what was stung. We try to get them calmed down.

Out of the six kids out there, Matthew was the only one NOT stung. Jacob and Lauren each had 4 stings. I immediately gave them benedryl and we got them to all settle down. There were a few bees that came in on clothing and the dog. We got everything under control and Lauren started complaining that she was itchy. I put her in a cool bath and she was doing alright. I gave her motrin for pain too. After about 10 mins in the bath, I was going to take her out and noticed bumps, hives. I get my friend Amy G who is a nurse to look at her. Her mouth is ok so she says we should just watch her. Well the hives got worse and she started to lick her lips. That was it, we were going to the ER.

Christina got her van, the said they had the boys and off we went. We are 6 miles from the gate to post. She did 70 or so to that point (the German in her! LOL). Once we got to the gate of post, I asked for a police escort the hospital, as it was another 10 miles or so. The MP hopped into the patrol car and lead us in. They took her right back and started to get her vitals and such. She was getting oxygen as her pulse-ox was 99. Phew! They started and IV and gave her a shot of epi. Then more benedryl and zantac (it's an antihistimine). She got pretty drowsy and finally fell asleep. They watched her for a couple hours and released us.

Now, we have to carry the epi pen with us. I hope we never have to use it!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

The kids went back to school on Thursday. Surprisingly, Jacob was the most excited! :) They all like their teachers. I think it's going to be a great year.

I went back to work on Tuesday. I was in and out of meetings and back and forth to school. It was a long day, but I got to rest on Wednesday. I was pretty tired on Thursday and by Friday at lunch time, I came home for a nap. My recovery from surgery has been pretty easy, but I do find that I get tired easily. I plan to just take it slow and rest when I can or need to.

I took the kids fishing on post today. We went with one of Lauren's best friends and her Dad. Madison's Mom is currently deployed to Iraq and her Dad is a stay-at-home-dad. It's and interesting dynamic. Jacob had been wanting to go fishing and so Ed said he would take him. So, today we all took off. The picture above was taken there. It was a beautiful day. The only thing that could have made it better is if Mike had been there with us!

Speaking of Mike, he should be leaving there around my birthday. We are looking at the end of Sep/begining of Oct for his return home!! I can't wait. It had been 9 months since we last saw him and I can't wait to hold him again.

Touching...

A year or so ago, somone sent a link to www.postsecret.com . Since then, I check the site every Sunday for the new postcards that are posted. This week is a video that is very moving.. go check it out..

Moving On

I am recovering well from my surgery. I go back on Monday to get the stiches out. The worst part has been having to sleep on my back. Go figure!

The kids go back to school next week and I go back to work. Fun. This is all just a little closer to Mike coming home, so I won't complain! We are looking at early Oct for his return. I can hardly wait!!

I got a letter in the mail from insurance today. I get to go to a consult about a breast reduction. I am ready for the pain to be gone.. a little nervous about recovery... But I know it will all work out. I will call and see if they will let me use the same plastic surgeon that just did this surgery. I like him and think it would be nice to stay with the same dr. I really need to get on this...

The kids are doing well. Jacob and Lauren are ready for school to start. Matthew said he is not ready to go back and be teased. I just hope that the little turd from last year has moved or something. I hate to think of my son being miserable at this kids whim. It bites.

Mom is not doing so well. The pressure in her lungs is getting worse. It's a scary thing. They are waiting for more results to see what the next step is. If it's the pulmonary hypertention, they can adjust her meds. If it's the autoimmune disease.. there isn't much they can do. I am so torn about this.... I am trying to stay strong and at the same time realistic. She has an awful disease that she can not recover from.

Flat TV

http://www.5minutesformom.com/2032/insignia-37inch-flat-panel-lcd-hdtv-contest/#comment-363313


Go there to win a 37" flat panel tv... so you can give it to me! hehe

And thank Best Buy for sponsoring the contest... :)

Falling Behind...Catching Up

We have been sooo busy lately. I can't believe it has been a month since I last posted. We left Louisiana a day late because I wasn't feeling well. We spent a week in Florida and had a blast! On the way home, we stopped for a few hours to visit a friend in Georgia. The kids got to go horse back riding and had a blast. We were home for 3 days and I left for a girls only weekend in Chicago. Amy stayed with the kids for me! It was sooo much fun!!!

I had a doctors appointment to get a consult for my breast reduction on Tuesday. I am now waiting for Tricare to call so we can set that up. Wednesday, I had a consult about a tummy tuck. Surprisingly, they had an opening the next day, yesterday... and it is done!!! I can't wait to see how it all looks next week. The drain comes out on Monday... :)

We have about 2 months left until Mike comes home... I can't wait!!! The kids go back to school and I go back to work on the 16th. I am looking forward to it as I know it will help the time go faster until Mike comes home!! :)

Fear

Through out all of this, I’ve just thought... if I can make it until he comes home, I am good. If only I don’t go insane between now and then. And “then” got pushed back. Twice. And now, we are about 79 or so days away from him coming home. And I can’t believe we are this close. And at the same time, I am skeptical because we have been this close before. And I am terrified. Terrified of what demons we will face once he returns. I am so thrilled to even think of being back in the same house... next to each other. I can’t wait.

I think about the kids and how much it will mean to them to have Dad back home. To be able to help him in the garage and with yard work and just to wrestle with him like they love to do. The transition will be a challenge at times, but it will be so exciting to incorporate him back into our physical everyday lives.

My fear is the changes. The changes that have taken place in Mike as a result of his being where he is. I am aware that there have been changes on both our parts. We have both grown as individuals as well as growing as a couple. My biggest fear is the scars this deployment has left and is leaving. I’ve read about PTSD and it’s a debilitating thing. I just hope that if (and I pray it doesn’t come down to it) Mike suffers from this illness, either one of us, or both, recognizes it and is able to battle it.

Zoo Days

The kids and I are in St Louis with a friend for the weekend. We took the kids to the zoo today and had a great time. I have tons of pictures. I'll post more as I go through them.

Just Another Day

Crappy car news today. The van will cost twice as much as anticipated to fix. The truck still needs to go in because the transmission is leaking.

I took the kids to see Shrek the Third. It was good. They really enjoyed it. We went to the park to burn some energy before the show and then to a nice picnic area on post afterwards.. just because.

Above is a picture I snapped as we were leaving the picnic area to come home. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Week by Week

I am going to take the next few months week by week. This week my focus is getting the house organized and pulling out stuff for the yard sale here this weekend.

The kids got out of school Friday. We are all off for the summer. So far, we have spent every evening hanging with friends.. as summer should be. I hope we can relax some this summer. I have had so many changes this past year and I am hoping to get some time to reflect on all of it.

I'll try to post pics here that capture what we are doing. Here are some of Jacob and Lauren with their cowboy hats we got Saturday. I'll add one of Matthew too, while he still has his awesome mohawk! You should see it when we spike it!!

Wishes...

can be decieving...

Mike HAS been extended...


FUCK

Wishes...

granted.

Mike is NOT extended.

Mike will be returning HERE!!

School's... OUT... ... I am DONE!!!

Oh, and today, I booked a ticket. For me. To fly to Hawaii. To be with Mike. Without kids. FOR TWO WEEKS~

Today I...

GRADUATED from College!!!!!

Here is a picture of me!! :) and One of me with my babies!

Make a Wish...

I wish:

... for Mike's unit to not be extended.

... for us receive orders for Mike to return here, soon.

... for peace and clairity while I finish my last three weeks of college.

Uncertainty

I hurt
I can’t find joy
It seems to have left me

I find pain wherever I turn

I am hurting about my Mom
It’s like I am watching her die
And it is killing me

I am missing my husband
I can’t stand being apart from him

I wake up and wonder why I even get out of bed
Just another day

I watch my children and wonder if I’m good enough
If I give them enough.. not material things, but love, support
I am afraid of screwing them up

The uncertainty is daunting
I don’t know what comes next
I feel stuck in the now and I’m not happy in the now
I want to turn this page, see what is next
I want to live, move on
It’s time

Photo Opportunity

I went out today and snapped some photos of this old house that intrigues me. I am posting a pic here. Also, a picture of purple flowers that were growing across the street from the house.

Doin' the Funk

I have been in a funk lately. It is the result of a lot of little things. Mostly I feel discontent with life. I know that sounds bad, but it’s what I am feeling.

My biggest frustration right now is that we do not know where Mike will be stationed. There is a possibility he will come back here to Missouri. It is equally possible that he will be stationed anyplace else in the world. The dilemma lies in the fact that not only do we not know, it could be up to three months before we find out. If we get orders to anywhere but here, we will sell the house. I can not do more time away, apart. If we stay here, we would like to do an addition on the house. My plan was to have it done by the time Mike returned. What do they say about the best laid plans?

Another frustration is the parenting without him here. I am just tired. I am doing my best, but I’m exhausted. Even if/when I can get away, I worry about them. It is never ending. I love my children with all of my being, but I just need some time for myself.

College is almost done. I have SEVEN weeks left. Six until I walk in graduation. I am excited about being finished. I am nervous about the student loans. I am curious about how it will feel to not have assignments due. I love learning. I do think that I could, should, give more to my studies. I should apply myself more. I just can’t find any more of myself to give.

I think the last sentence of the last two paragraphs above is what this all boils down to. I need time. I need time to stop and reflect on the past 14 months. I need time to process all the things I’ve done and been through and learned. I have changed and I need time to take account of that. I need to see where I stand without all the everyday distractions. I need time to just stop and be.

Happy Valentine's Day

He surprised me.

He sent me flowers!

I love him.

Ramblings

So much to say, yet no words to really capture what I feel.

Mike is experiencing the loss of two more soldiers. A vehicle accident. Could have happened anywhere really. Such a tragedy. We have about four more months until we can see each other again. I am starting to look around for our tickets to Hawaii. It will be pricey, but so worth it. I want to be there when he steps off the plane. To welcome my Hero back to the US. I want to meet his ‘kids’, the soldiers he has spent the last year with. I want to let him know that I love him and I am proud of him. Of all he has done, at the sacrifice he has made for us, for his soldiers, for our country.

When I talk to Mike, it seems like all I do is say I love you. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. Everything pales when I think of what others have lost in this war. It all seems so trivial. What kind of bedspread do you want on the new bed? So trivial in the grand scheme of things. I just hope that I show his how much he means to me. That man is my life. No one has shown me the love and support that he has. He has shown confidence in me when I had none in myself. He has shown me what a beautiful person I am, because he believes in me. He has given me more love that I believe I deserve. He will be the first to tell you that he loved me first. I don’t know how true that is. Sure, he showed it first. But at the time, I was afraid to love. I was afraid of putting myself out there and being hurt again. But the love he showed me was so pure and so true; I couldn’t turn away from him. And looking back on the past 9 years, I am so thankful I followed my heart.

The past 8 months have been difficult for Mike. For all of us really, but more so for him. He is in a far away place, without his loved ones, and in mortal danger. Yes, it is difficult to do this military wife gig, to raise the kids without him here. But I have support; I have family and friends within my reach. And I am not in the danger he is in. I can’t imagine being in his shoes. Experiencing what he has. I can’t fathom what he has seen, what he has done. He has more strength that I ever thought a person could. I am proud of him. For what he does, for who he is. He went to Iraq with this group of men and women because he believed in them. He took them there out of a calling from within. And I stand here and support him. Because he is a wonderful, giving person who thinks of others before himself. He knew the sacrifices going in, and he chose to be a leader. Sure, he gets frustrated. But it is because he cares. If he didn’t, he would have stayed in Korea and would be returning to us tomorrow, the anniversary of when he left here. Instead he chose the other path. We knew it would be a longer time apart, we knew the sacrifices, and he, we accepted them.

I’ve written before how selfless this man is. I see that more today than ever. I can’t even put into words how fortunate I am to be married to him…