Zoo Days

The kids and I are in St Louis with a friend for the weekend. We took the kids to the zoo today and had a great time. I have tons of pictures. I'll post more as I go through them.

Just Another Day

Crappy car news today. The van will cost twice as much as anticipated to fix. The truck still needs to go in because the transmission is leaking.

I took the kids to see Shrek the Third. It was good. They really enjoyed it. We went to the park to burn some energy before the show and then to a nice picnic area on post afterwards.. just because.

Above is a picture I snapped as we were leaving the picnic area to come home. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Week by Week

I am going to take the next few months week by week. This week my focus is getting the house organized and pulling out stuff for the yard sale here this weekend.

The kids got out of school Friday. We are all off for the summer. So far, we have spent every evening hanging with friends.. as summer should be. I hope we can relax some this summer. I have had so many changes this past year and I am hoping to get some time to reflect on all of it.

I'll try to post pics here that capture what we are doing. Here are some of Jacob and Lauren with their cowboy hats we got Saturday. I'll add one of Matthew too, while he still has his awesome mohawk! You should see it when we spike it!!

Wishes...

can be decieving...

Mike HAS been extended...


FUCK

Wishes...

granted.

Mike is NOT extended.

Mike will be returning HERE!!

School's... OUT... ... I am DONE!!!

Oh, and today, I booked a ticket. For me. To fly to Hawaii. To be with Mike. Without kids. FOR TWO WEEKS~

Today I...

GRADUATED from College!!!!!

Here is a picture of me!! :) and One of me with my babies!

Make a Wish...

I wish:

... for Mike's unit to not be extended.

... for us receive orders for Mike to return here, soon.

... for peace and clairity while I finish my last three weeks of college.

Uncertainty

I hurt
I can’t find joy
It seems to have left me

I find pain wherever I turn

I am hurting about my Mom
It’s like I am watching her die
And it is killing me

I am missing my husband
I can’t stand being apart from him

I wake up and wonder why I even get out of bed
Just another day

I watch my children and wonder if I’m good enough
If I give them enough.. not material things, but love, support
I am afraid of screwing them up

The uncertainty is daunting
I don’t know what comes next
I feel stuck in the now and I’m not happy in the now
I want to turn this page, see what is next
I want to live, move on
It’s time

Photo Opportunity

I went out today and snapped some photos of this old house that intrigues me. I am posting a pic here. Also, a picture of purple flowers that were growing across the street from the house.

Doin' the Funk

I have been in a funk lately. It is the result of a lot of little things. Mostly I feel discontent with life. I know that sounds bad, but it’s what I am feeling.

My biggest frustration right now is that we do not know where Mike will be stationed. There is a possibility he will come back here to Missouri. It is equally possible that he will be stationed anyplace else in the world. The dilemma lies in the fact that not only do we not know, it could be up to three months before we find out. If we get orders to anywhere but here, we will sell the house. I can not do more time away, apart. If we stay here, we would like to do an addition on the house. My plan was to have it done by the time Mike returned. What do they say about the best laid plans?

Another frustration is the parenting without him here. I am just tired. I am doing my best, but I’m exhausted. Even if/when I can get away, I worry about them. It is never ending. I love my children with all of my being, but I just need some time for myself.

College is almost done. I have SEVEN weeks left. Six until I walk in graduation. I am excited about being finished. I am nervous about the student loans. I am curious about how it will feel to not have assignments due. I love learning. I do think that I could, should, give more to my studies. I should apply myself more. I just can’t find any more of myself to give.

I think the last sentence of the last two paragraphs above is what this all boils down to. I need time. I need time to stop and reflect on the past 14 months. I need time to process all the things I’ve done and been through and learned. I have changed and I need time to take account of that. I need to see where I stand without all the everyday distractions. I need time to just stop and be.

Happy Valentine's Day

He surprised me.

He sent me flowers!

I love him.

Ramblings

So much to say, yet no words to really capture what I feel.

Mike is experiencing the loss of two more soldiers. A vehicle accident. Could have happened anywhere really. Such a tragedy. We have about four more months until we can see each other again. I am starting to look around for our tickets to Hawaii. It will be pricey, but so worth it. I want to be there when he steps off the plane. To welcome my Hero back to the US. I want to meet his ‘kids’, the soldiers he has spent the last year with. I want to let him know that I love him and I am proud of him. Of all he has done, at the sacrifice he has made for us, for his soldiers, for our country.

When I talk to Mike, it seems like all I do is say I love you. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. Everything pales when I think of what others have lost in this war. It all seems so trivial. What kind of bedspread do you want on the new bed? So trivial in the grand scheme of things. I just hope that I show his how much he means to me. That man is my life. No one has shown me the love and support that he has. He has shown confidence in me when I had none in myself. He has shown me what a beautiful person I am, because he believes in me. He has given me more love that I believe I deserve. He will be the first to tell you that he loved me first. I don’t know how true that is. Sure, he showed it first. But at the time, I was afraid to love. I was afraid of putting myself out there and being hurt again. But the love he showed me was so pure and so true; I couldn’t turn away from him. And looking back on the past 9 years, I am so thankful I followed my heart.

The past 8 months have been difficult for Mike. For all of us really, but more so for him. He is in a far away place, without his loved ones, and in mortal danger. Yes, it is difficult to do this military wife gig, to raise the kids without him here. But I have support; I have family and friends within my reach. And I am not in the danger he is in. I can’t imagine being in his shoes. Experiencing what he has. I can’t fathom what he has seen, what he has done. He has more strength that I ever thought a person could. I am proud of him. For what he does, for who he is. He went to Iraq with this group of men and women because he believed in them. He took them there out of a calling from within. And I stand here and support him. Because he is a wonderful, giving person who thinks of others before himself. He knew the sacrifices going in, and he chose to be a leader. Sure, he gets frustrated. But it is because he cares. If he didn’t, he would have stayed in Korea and would be returning to us tomorrow, the anniversary of when he left here. Instead he chose the other path. We knew it would be a longer time apart, we knew the sacrifices, and he, we accepted them.

I’ve written before how selfless this man is. I see that more today than ever. I can’t even put into words how fortunate I am to be married to him…

Blooming

Thank you, Mike. For helping me bloom.

Nature is Pruning

We are in the middle of a snow storm. We lost power for most of the evening, all night last night, and most of today. The trees, and everything else, are coated in ice. All night last night, with the silence that no electricity brings, I lay and listened to the branches and limbs cracking and falling to the ground. I was boiling water on the grill this morning when I looked up into the trees in our backyard.
Our trees are bent with the weight of all the ice accumulated on them. A lot of the branches are snapping and breaking from the weight. I thought about how this is a lot like the burdens we carry in life. We can handle a little ice from time to time. But when it all piles up on us, sometimes it can be too much. Little pieces of us tend to break off.
I know when the spring comes the trees will bloom and grow leaves. Most of the places where branches broke off will no longer be visible. We will once again see the beauty of the trees. I wonder if this is nature’s way of pruning those parts of the trees that are no longer necessary to the trees in order for them to function.
Oftentimes, when we go through a tough time in life, and our burdens seem too much to bear, we tend to lose little pieces of ourselves. We find ways to cope, ways to make it through the tough times. Once we get through those times, we often feel changed. We look at ourselves and see who we used to be and who we have become. We may miss those pieces, but we are still beautiful for who we are. Maybe that is life’s way of pruning us. Helping us to rid ourselves of those things we no longer need, the things that can be more destructive than good; and find ways of adapting to life around us.
I am sure that my trees will be fine once this storm is over. I will have to pick up those excess pieces. But I think that my tree will bloom. The leaves will cover the branches and limbs and we will appreciate their beauty once again. I just hope that I can muddle through life’s burdens. Stand strong as a tree. Bend when I need to. And though I may break at times, I hope I remember that the true beauty will come from within. And that once the winter is gone, I will once again bloom.

Rest In Peace

My Grandmother passed away today.
Rest in Peace Maw Maw. I love you.

May Your Days be Merry

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I have many blessing to count and much love to give. Merry Christmas everyone... and to you and yours, a Happy New Year.

What's Worse

My biggest fear of Mike being in Iraq is losing him. It has been since we’ve known he was going. Some women are afraid their husbands are going to come back changed. They all come back changed. You can not experience what our soldiers are experiencing and not be changed by it. It does affect everyone in different ways, but I don’t believe anyone can come back unchanged.

I heard this morning that a local family experienced a tragedy on Saturday. Apparently the husband and wife were on their way to Lowe’s to do some Christmas shopping. A car coming from the opposite direction crossed the center line in an S curve. The husband swerved to miss the car and loss control when he hit some gravel on the side of the road. His car hit a tree and he died on impact. The wife was released from the hospital today. Her husband will be buried on Wednesday. They have three children. The saddest part of this story is that the husband, the father, just returned from a tour in Iraq 40 days ago.

I have had to face the fact that I could lose my husband to this war. I think we often forget just how fragile life is. How quickly we can lose any of our loved ones. My husband is in more immanent danger than most of us. But tragedy can strike any of us.

As far as Mike coming back changed, I can see it already. We have opened lines of communication and it’s so wonderful. We have always had a great marriage. I think now it has gone to a new level. I hope that everyone gets to experience this type of love during their lifetime.

Snow Day

We have a snow day tomorrow. We also had one on Thursday last week. And Friday. The kids are thrilled as they get to spend another day playing in the snow instead of sitting in class. As for myself, I have to drive almost 2 hours tomorrow to sit in class.. for 8 hours. JOY.

Here is some pictures of the kids enjoying the snow! I'm glad this is something they get to experience! Growing up in Lousiana, we never got to see or play in snow. Mike grew up in New England, so he got enough. I like it here because we usually only get a couple of snow days a year and it's enough to satisfy the fun factor without totally being too much.

Lauren and Matthew


Jacob

Chemo and Morphine

Chemo First
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. She will turn 53 years old.
It is also the day she starts chemo again.

Morphine
My MawMaw is not doing well. She agreed to let hospice come in and take over her care earlier this month. Mom told me tonight that she started morphine for pain. Things don't look good at all.

I'm here...

So much has happened.. so few words to describe it all...

Quick rundown:

Mike came home for his R&R. It was the best 16 days! We all had a blast. Spent the weekend in Branson just hanging out and enjoying being a family.

My Mom has to do chemo again. Damn autoimmune disease. Scares the crap out of me.

I got a new camera. A Nikon D50. I love it!! :) I'll post pics... eventually. Might do a flick'r account... hmmmmm

I am still in school full time. 5 classes to go counting the 2 I'm currently in. I am looking forward to May when I graduate. And can't believe I am even entertaining the thought of going for my Masters.. YIKES!

The kids are great. Lauren is loving dance. They all just finished soccer.

We had a pretty good Thanksgiving. I got sick.. really sick. The kids didn't, which is good. Had friends over.

Christmas shopping is almost done. YAY!

Must sleep now. Will try to post again soon. I'll put some pictures up. Here is one of the sunset earlier...