Something Shiny

I had my appointment this morning. Basically, she put in a consult and now we wait again. YAY!

In other news, better news, I went with Mike to 'look' at a Harley Davdison. He has been looking for a week or so. Gas prices are insane and it will save us money in the long run. Needless to say, he drove the bike off the lot and now it is parked in our garage. And boy, is she a beauty!

When the boys stepped off the bus this afternoon, Matthew yelled "we got a bike, sweet!". When I picked Lauren up from Girls Scouts and let her know that we bought a bike, her first question was "Is it shiny?!". Whadda think?

Doctor Appointment

I have an appointment today to see my Primary Care Manager. It took three days of me calling my insurance and two clinics to secure this date and a wait of 9 days. The phone rang at 630 this morning. It was the scheduling part of the insurance company to let me know that my PCM called in sick this morning. Thankfully, I could be seen by another doctor today. Hopefully, they will give me my consult/referral and I can get some answers on what is happening to my body. I will update soon.

What a Pain... the Saga.. Part 2

I posted on the 28th of April, after my ER trip, about my 'female issues'. Well, I've been very patiently waiting for my insurance to call me with a referal to see a gyn. It's been over two weeks, so I decided to call. Insurance claims they have no record of the referral, although I do have a copy in my hands. They tell me to call the Gyn clinic to get an appt, if they can see me. I call Gyn (because when I was transferred, I was hung up on!) and was told that they can see the it was put in for an off post consult, but not a referral. They tell me that they are only seeing prenatal right now. They also say I need to call my clinic to see if my regular doctor can put in the referral. I call my clinic and after being on hold for 9 mins and a snotty rececptionist, I a transferred to my doctors nurse's answering machine. So now, I wait for a call from a clinic which has no clue as to what is going on. The pain is starting to creep back in and I can't imagine going through this again. Except for the fact that I'm still going through it! UGH

Jacob's Not so Great Day

I got a call from my supervisor yesterday that I needed to call the principal at school. (I work for the school, but was out doing home visits) I asked what about and said Jacob. My heart sank.

We have had issues with Jacob and anger for some time. He has done so much better. I have worked with his teacher all year to get Jacob to a point where if he is angry he tells her he needs time and he is taken out of a situation and left to cool down. He has even gotten better at home to where he will separate himself from a conflict.

Well, apparently, yesterday morning before school he and some boys were playing 'stampede'. Jacob was being chased and decided he was done. He went sit by a pole alone. A couple of the boys went over to 'check on him'. Apparently he got angry at one of them and chased him and hit him. Another boy started calling Jacob a cry-baby and just generally teasing him. Jacob then chased that boy and tried to hit him as well. He was restrained by other students. The teacher took notice of what was happened and stepped in.

The kids were asked what happened and the principal called a few in to get their stories. Jacob was given and 'academic reassignment' (read: in school suspension). I talked to the principal, the counselor and Jacob's teacher. I am miffed that the second boy was NOT disciplined (actually, only Jacob was!).

I asked Jacob today if anyone brought it up or if anything was said. I guess the second boy was again teasing Jacob today saying "Wanna put me in a headlock, you should put me in a headlock". I am to the point that I want Jacob to kick the kids ass as he has been bullied all year and I've had enough.

I will go back to the principal tomorrow and ask what is being done about the bullying. Because if Jacob retaliates again as a result of being bullied, I will be pissed if he gets suspended... again! UGH

What a Pain

My periods have been pretty painful for a while now. They aren't irregular. The bleeding isn't unusually heavy. I tend to bloat and get constipated. Last month was extremely painful. I could hardly move and cried to walk or sit. I started this past Saturday and spent yesterday in a ball on the couch. Motrin didn't help.

I got up this morning and got ready for work. The pain was still there and I couldn't see how I would be able to function today. I called to make a same day appt, but they couldn't get me in until tomorrow morning. I ended up going to the ER because I couldn't wait.

When asked what I was there for, I got some strange looks when I said that my uterus hurt. The doctor felt my abdomen and I was in tears it hurt so bad to just be touched. They started an IV and gave me morphine as they wanted to a pelvic exam. That was excruciating! (The pelvic exam). I was then send down for x-rays and as ultrasound.

The doctor came back and told me that I was constipated. (It happens every month when I am on my period). He also felt that was more to it. I have a referral to see a gyn. He basically thinks I have endometriosis. I was sent home with motrin, narcotics and a referral out to a gyn. So, now I wait for the phone call to see what the next steps are.

Busy Times

The end of the school year always bring with it lots of busy-ness. Last Friday night, Lauren had a lock-in for Girl Scouts. She and I got home on Saturday morning and got some rest. Saturday afternoon, I hosted a baby shower for a friend/neighbor. I was so exhuasted that night! Matthew competed in a math competition for a 10 school league on Monday. Tuesday was dance for Lauren. Wednesday was our "no activities after school day" which was filled with spring cleaning. Thursday was my aerobics day and more spring cleaning. Friday was my zoo trip with work. I got home and we had the after cycle party for Mike's drill sgts. It was great to get together with the people he works with. It's nice to put faces to names. Today was Lauren's Girl Scout trip to the Dixie Stampede in Branson. Tonight, we had a coule of friends over for dinner. Tomorrow, Mike is going ATV riding with friends. I hope to get some quilting done and just generally rest and be lazy!! Here are a few pictures from the zoo yesterday:

Two Things That are Pissing Me Off Today:

1. The fact that my washer broke and I can't order a replacement belt over the phone with Sears unless I use my Sears card. I don't have, nor do I want, a Sears card.

2. The fact that Mike's Bank of America card has not worked in 20 months. We got him a replacement while he was in Iraq (which took over 2 months to get to him) and it still didn't work. He accidently used it to pay for something online (it was already saved to a websites pay options) and it magically works now, to the tune of $70 in overdraft fees. And the bank work comp us any of it. Time to close that account!

I want a do over.. on the last 6 weeks or so. I am so beyond frustrated at this point, I just want to be alone for a LONG time. I can usually handle these things and it not make a huge difference in my day, but for some reason, lately, everything just pisses me off... grrrrrrrrr.

Toothless Wonder

Here is a picture of Lauren, taken Easter Sunday. The teeth are growing back now, but it is still so cute to see her smile!

Been a While

I did not realize it had been so long since I last posted. Life has been crazy and it is hard to keep up.

My Mom has been sick. It seems to be touch and go. We do know her health is declining in some areas, though the specifics of it all are still a little unclear. Along with her lung issues because of the schleraderma and the pressure, she is experiencing some heart issues as well. The doctors are working to get it under control. It's been scary and surreal to think of what can happen.

The kids are doing well. Lauren is missing her four front teeth at the moment and it's quite amusing. It's also quite sobering to think that my baby is growing so much. She continues to excel in school. She is convinced that the rash (poison ivy perhaps) on her nose is a zit and she is 'in puberty'. She always has something smart to say and often has us stiffling a laugh to correct her cockyness.

Jacob is doing well. He still struggles with anger issues. It's really hard to see him struggle and I often feel at a loss as to how to help him. We work on it and some days is seems to sink in while others, I feel like I am talking to the wall. He loves to read and can often be found with his nose in a book. Nothing is too thick for him and he can read and comprehend most everything he picks up.

Matthew continues to read at a 10th grade level (he is currently in 5th grade), though he much prefers to pick up a magazine or a complilation of short stories than to read a chapter book. He is doing really well in Cub Scouts. I am proud to see him and Mike working on his achievements. It's really been a great thing for both boys and Mike. Matthew is also taking guitar lessons and really enjoys playing.

Mike is about to have his first class of soldiers graduate basic training under his guidance. It's a proud moment for him and all involved. He will have most of the month of April off. We have already compiled the to-do list.

Mike and I celebrated our 10th anniversary on the 18th. We went out to dinner at a great place in Springfield. We have agreed that we need to go out more often. We had a great time. It's sometimes hard to believe it's been ten years. I think we are in a great place in our lives as well as our relationship.

I've got many more thoughts and such floating through my head. I'll try to get them down here. I don't update here as often as I would like, but I do hope whoever reads this (anyone?!) will continue to check in on us.

Oh yeah!

11 year olds are so cool, here is mine.

I'm an Aunt again!!!

My baby sister called me yesterday to ask about some strange pains she was having as well as a weird discharge. I told her that I thought maybe it was an infection and that she should see a doctor.

My Mom called today to say that my sister had gone to the doctor... and is pregnant. Once she went to the OB, they heard the heartbeat, then went on for an ultrasound. She was told she was 36 weeks, 2 days pregnant... and in labor! She proceeded to the hospital where a c-section was peformed. My newest nephew was born, weighing 7 lbs 13 oz. He has yet to be named, though Mike feels Speedy Gonzales is appropriate!! :)

Here is a picture of my Mom, holding her newest grandchild. Congratulations Tootie!!

The Best Christmas Gift

We had a great Christmas. Mike was home!! The kids got most of the things on their lists. I got a nice jewelry armoire and a Wii!! We have all had so much fun playing the Wii. The kids and all the adults here love playing it. It will give you a great work out. hehe..

But I have to say, above all the gifts we received, the best was that my Mom came up on Christmas Day with one of my brothers and his family. And being able to spend that time with my Mom was all I could have ever hoped for.

My brother surprised me a few weeks ago when he called and asked if we had plans for Christmas as he and his wife and girls wanted to come visit. Originally, they were going to come on the 26th and leave the 28th. Mom got invited (YAY) and they decided to drive up on the 25th. It all worked out perfectly as we enjoyed a quiet Christmas morning with Mike, me and the kids. Then I spend most of the cooking and getting ready for their arrival. We had a great visit.

I am taking the tree down today. I need to get the house to a managable state before my surgery next Thursday. I should only be down for a couple of weeks, but it will a while before I can do any heavy stuff.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. I'm looking forward to what the New Year will bring.

Hope you all have a ....

Merry Christmas!!

Approved...

For my breast reduction!!

Surgery is set for Jan 3 at 11am...

Re-adjusting Expectations

I think we have expectations from the day we are born. As an infant, we expect that our parents will provide us with nourishment, comfort and love. As we grow, we expect them to also provide us with structure and safety. As teens, we expect that our friends will always be a part of our lives. We expect that our parents will not let us fail, or better yet, will not fail us. When we get married, we expect that our lives will be more complete. We don’t realize that a big part of the happiness we crave is the realism in our expectations.

Someone with low expectations will be surprised and uplifted when good things happen to them. Someone with high expectations may be upset when great things don’t happen. I think a big part of our experience in life is our expectations.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted children. When I had my miscarriage, I never really dwelled on the though if not having kids. I knew that it was something I wanted and I would find a way for that to happen. Luckily, my body agreed with me, and I have three healthy children. I have truly been blessed. Everything I thought of my kids’ lives, it was always in the infant, toddler or elementary school ages. Now that my kids are approaching their teens, I have to reassess my expectations. They are no longer the little kids I have centered myself on. I need to take their personalities into consideration and prepare for what’s ahead. While their lives have been great up to this point, it has been nothing like my expectations. I love the life that we are able to provide for our children.

We also have expectations when we get married. In the beginning of new relationships, we see the happily ever after. What we miss in that sight is the hard work it takes to get there. I have found that for me, communication is a major component of a successful relationship. That is to include marriage, children and friendships. When we fail to share our expectations with others, we are often left disappointed in the outcome of situations.

I often find myself frustrated with the people around me. I don’t know why I expect people to know what I want. I need to be a better communicator. It isn’t fair for me to get upset with my loved ones if I never set forth my expectations and given them an opportunity to do what I was requesting of them. This has especially been hard for me since Mike’s return. In some ways, life was pretty easy when he was gone. I knew that all the things it takes to run our family were my responsibility. If the trash didn’t make it to the road on Tuesday morning, it was my fault. If the sink was leaky and I didn’t call someone to come fix it, there was no one else I could blame. Now that he is home, I have someone with whom to share the burden of responsibility. Unless I share those responsibilities, they are still mine. The thing is I don’t know how to communicate what I need.

I hate to ask for help; mainly because I don’t want to be disappointed when something doesn’t go my way. If I do it myself and the results aren’t what I expected, I can’t be upset with anyone but myself. I don’t think I have ever learned to lean on anyone else. I wish that I could learn to let go, to not expect so much, and to communicate my expectations when I do want things to go my way.

The reality of our situation right now is that Yes, Mike is home. Yes, Mike is able to do more around the house and lift some of that burden off of me. But when it comes down to it, I am the one who is there the majority of time. I am the one who sees and knows what needs to be done. And I am the one who either needs to take care of things, ask for help, or live with things they way they are. I guess I need to take a good, long, hard look at my expectations and adjust them accordingly.

Taking a Little Off

I've been thinking about getting my hair cut for while now. I didn't want to go drastic. It was to the point that I was laying on it, Mike was laying on it, I was pulling it when I sat down. It was just too much. I went in for a cut today and told the lady I wanted it to be between my shoulders and bra strap. I did straighten it this morning, so I can't say she should have known that my curls would make the cut shorter. I have to say that although it's shorter than I originally wanted, I love it!! :)

Lost in the Action

SO much has happened since I last wrote. I don’t even know where to begin.

I got back from Hawaii and hit the ground running. Mom and Tootie were here with the kids and wanted to spend Saturday in Branson. I was exhausted from traveling, but knew that I only had one day with them before they headed back to Louisiana. We got up Saturday morning and went to post. Shawn, the guy my sister works for, wanted to see the base since he had never been to an Army installation. We took him to the outdoor weapons museum where he got to see all types of tanks and military vehicles. Once we were done there, we headed out the Springfield. We had lunch at Olive Garden before heading to the Bodies Exhibition. The kids were thoroughly enthralled by the experience. I was somewhat afraid that it would be too much for them to handle, but all three of these did great. Matthew was fascinated and even commented that he thought it would be cool if his entire class got to go as a field trip. After the Exhibition, we did a little shopping at the outlets. My kids really like Sketchers shoes and we managed to spend a nice chunk of money in their store. I also hit the Gap and The Disney Store. Our final stop for the night was The Shogun for more food. This is a Japanese restaurant where the food is prepared at your table. The kids love the show they get, I love the food! J We headed home after dinner, arriving here after 10. Sunday morning my family headed back home. The kids and I were left to get things together for the week ahead. I had been out of town for a week and had a lot to catch up on.

Upon my return from Hawaii, we had three weeks until Mike’s return. The kids were beside themselves with excitement. It had been 10 months since they had sent their Dad.

I think the thing that has floored me the most has been the realization of all the things I’ve done in Mike’s absence. All the things I had to do to get by. I think I went into a survival mode. I got a lot accomplished in the 20 months he was deployed. In the house alone, I pulled the carpet from the boys rooms and had hardwood installed, I helped with a remodel on the boys bathroom, I pulled carpet from the family room to ready it for new carpet then converted said room into a master bedroom for us. I replaced our bed, upgrading from a queen to a California king, because honestly, a man should be able to sleep in his bed without his feet hanging off! I had the windshield on the truck replaced as well as ordered new wheels and tires for the truck (which ended up being a nightmare that spanned 3 months). I finished my Bachelors degree. I also held a full time job while still being a sole parent to our children.

People would ask me how I did it all, and honestly, I just thought they were being nice. I don’t feel that I did anything above and beyond what my fellow Army spouse friends do. We do what we have to do to get through. We hold down the fort and we get through the day. We long for the next time we can log in and see our loved one. The next time the phone rings and it might be him on the other line. Those are the moments I lived for.

With his return, I expected him to have some issues re-incorporating to our schedule. His re-entry has been flawless. He has picked up the ball when I’ve needed him to. The kids have not missed a beat in being with him. It’s been nearly seamless. I have had the issues. I have had moments where I’ve laid on the bed and just balled. Maybe it’s relief. Relief that I’m not alone and I don’t have to be. Relief that he is home, he is really truly home. There was honestly a time where I doubted if we would see him again. It was a very real possibility that we could lose him at any time while he was over there. The fact that he is home and whole is amazing to me.

Upon reflection, I think the thing that I’ve had the hardest time coming to terms with is that I don’t have to do it all. I don’t have to be superwoman. I don’t have to carry it all. He is here for me to share the burden. I’ve gone through a lot of personal change while Mike was gone. I’ve done a lot of work in my head. It’s all things that I knew I needed to work out, but was afraid. I think that the fact that I had to time to go through the emotions in my head and experience what they meant without having to explain what I was going through to a partner I saw daily made a big difference. I did share those thoughts and experienced with Mike, but it was at my pace. I do think I could have done the same thing with him here. But having that time to work through it alone really helped the process.

There is so much more I want to say. There is so much more bouncing around in my head. It will have to wait until another day as I’m tired and this post is already too long. I just wanted to get something up. Hopefully, this will motivate me to post more…

"All Polynesians are Bi-sexual"

So, Mike and I are in Hawaii. The past few days have been total bliss! Our only goal was to spend time together and to reconnect. I have to say that goal has been accomplished. We have lazed around, gone shopping, gone out with friends, out to dinner, walked on the beach, watched the sunset, and even gone to Pearl Harbor to tour the USS Arizona Memorial and the USS Missouri. I would like to get out there are take more pictures of the flowers, people and beach.

Tomorrow, Mike has to 'work'. He has to go in and get some paperwork and such done. Hopefully he will find out the date that he gets to leave here and come home. I leave here on Thursday and it will be so strange to be the one getting on the plane and leaving him behind.

I have to say I miss the kids, but it has been so nice to spend time with just Mike. It is something we have never had the opportunity to do. We have been asked countless times over the last few days if we are newlyweds. I guess our love for each other really shows! :)

Last night we met a couple of Mike's friends at a bar for a while. As we sat and ate and drank, we watched this older man take 'tourists' and their camera to the side of the railing, near were we were sitting on the second floor. He would take their picture, move them to another position for another picture and take them for 'one more shot'. We watched him do this a number of times. He actually said to one group 'it's ok, all polynesians are bi-sexual'. It was all we could do not to laugh with him standing next to us. I knew it had to be the title of my next blog!!

I am going

To Hawaii

On Thursday!!!!

And I will be in his arms on Friday!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

Trip to the ER

Every Friday night, I get together with about 5 other women. It's always here at our house. I love to entertain and it feels great to be surrounded by friends. Well, since my surgery, I asked if we could switch houses every week since I can't keep up with everything right now. Everyone was fine with it. Last week, it was at Amy G.'s house. This week, at Amy H.'s house.

Well, we got there and the kids were all picked tomatoes in the backyard. Her house, like mine, backs up to the national forest. She even have a dried up creek bed.The kids started to wonder out and all of a sudden we hear YELLING from the kids! Jacob and Lauren are leading the pack back to the house. Jacob runs all the way around to the front door, won't stop for ANYONE. Everyone thought it was a snake. I get to Lauren first since I was at the back door and that is where she came. They are all yelling BEES, we got stung!!! It was chaotic trying to figure out what was stung. We try to get them calmed down.

Out of the six kids out there, Matthew was the only one NOT stung. Jacob and Lauren each had 4 stings. I immediately gave them benedryl and we got them to all settle down. There were a few bees that came in on clothing and the dog. We got everything under control and Lauren started complaining that she was itchy. I put her in a cool bath and she was doing alright. I gave her motrin for pain too. After about 10 mins in the bath, I was going to take her out and noticed bumps, hives. I get my friend Amy G who is a nurse to look at her. Her mouth is ok so she says we should just watch her. Well the hives got worse and she started to lick her lips. That was it, we were going to the ER.

Christina got her van, the said they had the boys and off we went. We are 6 miles from the gate to post. She did 70 or so to that point (the German in her! LOL). Once we got to the gate of post, I asked for a police escort the hospital, as it was another 10 miles or so. The MP hopped into the patrol car and lead us in. They took her right back and started to get her vitals and such. She was getting oxygen as her pulse-ox was 99. Phew! They started and IV and gave her a shot of epi. Then more benedryl and zantac (it's an antihistimine). She got pretty drowsy and finally fell asleep. They watched her for a couple hours and released us.

Now, we have to carry the epi pen with us. I hope we never have to use it!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

The kids went back to school on Thursday. Surprisingly, Jacob was the most excited! :) They all like their teachers. I think it's going to be a great year.

I went back to work on Tuesday. I was in and out of meetings and back and forth to school. It was a long day, but I got to rest on Wednesday. I was pretty tired on Thursday and by Friday at lunch time, I came home for a nap. My recovery from surgery has been pretty easy, but I do find that I get tired easily. I plan to just take it slow and rest when I can or need to.

I took the kids fishing on post today. We went with one of Lauren's best friends and her Dad. Madison's Mom is currently deployed to Iraq and her Dad is a stay-at-home-dad. It's and interesting dynamic. Jacob had been wanting to go fishing and so Ed said he would take him. So, today we all took off. The picture above was taken there. It was a beautiful day. The only thing that could have made it better is if Mike had been there with us!

Speaking of Mike, he should be leaving there around my birthday. We are looking at the end of Sep/begining of Oct for his return home!! I can't wait. It had been 9 months since we last saw him and I can't wait to hold him again.

Touching...

A year or so ago, somone sent a link to www.postsecret.com . Since then, I check the site every Sunday for the new postcards that are posted. This week is a video that is very moving.. go check it out..

Moving On

I am recovering well from my surgery. I go back on Monday to get the stiches out. The worst part has been having to sleep on my back. Go figure!

The kids go back to school next week and I go back to work. Fun. This is all just a little closer to Mike coming home, so I won't complain! We are looking at early Oct for his return. I can hardly wait!!

I got a letter in the mail from insurance today. I get to go to a consult about a breast reduction. I am ready for the pain to be gone.. a little nervous about recovery... But I know it will all work out. I will call and see if they will let me use the same plastic surgeon that just did this surgery. I like him and think it would be nice to stay with the same dr. I really need to get on this...

The kids are doing well. Jacob and Lauren are ready for school to start. Matthew said he is not ready to go back and be teased. I just hope that the little turd from last year has moved or something. I hate to think of my son being miserable at this kids whim. It bites.

Mom is not doing so well. The pressure in her lungs is getting worse. It's a scary thing. They are waiting for more results to see what the next step is. If it's the pulmonary hypertention, they can adjust her meds. If it's the autoimmune disease.. there isn't much they can do. I am so torn about this.... I am trying to stay strong and at the same time realistic. She has an awful disease that she can not recover from.

Flat TV

http://www.5minutesformom.com/2032/insignia-37inch-flat-panel-lcd-hdtv-contest/#comment-363313


Go there to win a 37" flat panel tv... so you can give it to me! hehe

And thank Best Buy for sponsoring the contest... :)

Falling Behind...Catching Up

We have been sooo busy lately. I can't believe it has been a month since I last posted. We left Louisiana a day late because I wasn't feeling well. We spent a week in Florida and had a blast! On the way home, we stopped for a few hours to visit a friend in Georgia. The kids got to go horse back riding and had a blast. We were home for 3 days and I left for a girls only weekend in Chicago. Amy stayed with the kids for me! It was sooo much fun!!!

I had a doctors appointment to get a consult for my breast reduction on Tuesday. I am now waiting for Tricare to call so we can set that up. Wednesday, I had a consult about a tummy tuck. Surprisingly, they had an opening the next day, yesterday... and it is done!!! I can't wait to see how it all looks next week. The drain comes out on Monday... :)

We have about 2 months left until Mike comes home... I can't wait!!! The kids go back to school and I go back to work on the 16th. I am looking forward to it as I know it will help the time go faster until Mike comes home!! :)

Fear

Through out all of this, I’ve just thought... if I can make it until he comes home, I am good. If only I don’t go insane between now and then. And “then” got pushed back. Twice. And now, we are about 79 or so days away from him coming home. And I can’t believe we are this close. And at the same time, I am skeptical because we have been this close before. And I am terrified. Terrified of what demons we will face once he returns. I am so thrilled to even think of being back in the same house... next to each other. I can’t wait.

I think about the kids and how much it will mean to them to have Dad back home. To be able to help him in the garage and with yard work and just to wrestle with him like they love to do. The transition will be a challenge at times, but it will be so exciting to incorporate him back into our physical everyday lives.

My fear is the changes. The changes that have taken place in Mike as a result of his being where he is. I am aware that there have been changes on both our parts. We have both grown as individuals as well as growing as a couple. My biggest fear is the scars this deployment has left and is leaving. I’ve read about PTSD and it’s a debilitating thing. I just hope that if (and I pray it doesn’t come down to it) Mike suffers from this illness, either one of us, or both, recognizes it and is able to battle it.

Zoo Days

The kids and I are in St Louis with a friend for the weekend. We took the kids to the zoo today and had a great time. I have tons of pictures. I'll post more as I go through them.

Just Another Day

Crappy car news today. The van will cost twice as much as anticipated to fix. The truck still needs to go in because the transmission is leaking.

I took the kids to see Shrek the Third. It was good. They really enjoyed it. We went to the park to burn some energy before the show and then to a nice picnic area on post afterwards.. just because.

Above is a picture I snapped as we were leaving the picnic area to come home. Click on the picture to see it bigger.

Week by Week

I am going to take the next few months week by week. This week my focus is getting the house organized and pulling out stuff for the yard sale here this weekend.

The kids got out of school Friday. We are all off for the summer. So far, we have spent every evening hanging with friends.. as summer should be. I hope we can relax some this summer. I have had so many changes this past year and I am hoping to get some time to reflect on all of it.

I'll try to post pics here that capture what we are doing. Here are some of Jacob and Lauren with their cowboy hats we got Saturday. I'll add one of Matthew too, while he still has his awesome mohawk! You should see it when we spike it!!

Wishes...

can be decieving...

Mike HAS been extended...


FUCK

Wishes...

granted.

Mike is NOT extended.

Mike will be returning HERE!!

School's... OUT... ... I am DONE!!!

Oh, and today, I booked a ticket. For me. To fly to Hawaii. To be with Mike. Without kids. FOR TWO WEEKS~

Today I...

GRADUATED from College!!!!!

Here is a picture of me!! :) and One of me with my babies!

Make a Wish...

I wish:

... for Mike's unit to not be extended.

... for us receive orders for Mike to return here, soon.

... for peace and clairity while I finish my last three weeks of college.

Uncertainty

I hurt
I can’t find joy
It seems to have left me

I find pain wherever I turn

I am hurting about my Mom
It’s like I am watching her die
And it is killing me

I am missing my husband
I can’t stand being apart from him

I wake up and wonder why I even get out of bed
Just another day

I watch my children and wonder if I’m good enough
If I give them enough.. not material things, but love, support
I am afraid of screwing them up

The uncertainty is daunting
I don’t know what comes next
I feel stuck in the now and I’m not happy in the now
I want to turn this page, see what is next
I want to live, move on
It’s time

Photo Opportunity

I went out today and snapped some photos of this old house that intrigues me. I am posting a pic here. Also, a picture of purple flowers that were growing across the street from the house.

Doin' the Funk

I have been in a funk lately. It is the result of a lot of little things. Mostly I feel discontent with life. I know that sounds bad, but it’s what I am feeling.

My biggest frustration right now is that we do not know where Mike will be stationed. There is a possibility he will come back here to Missouri. It is equally possible that he will be stationed anyplace else in the world. The dilemma lies in the fact that not only do we not know, it could be up to three months before we find out. If we get orders to anywhere but here, we will sell the house. I can not do more time away, apart. If we stay here, we would like to do an addition on the house. My plan was to have it done by the time Mike returned. What do they say about the best laid plans?

Another frustration is the parenting without him here. I am just tired. I am doing my best, but I’m exhausted. Even if/when I can get away, I worry about them. It is never ending. I love my children with all of my being, but I just need some time for myself.

College is almost done. I have SEVEN weeks left. Six until I walk in graduation. I am excited about being finished. I am nervous about the student loans. I am curious about how it will feel to not have assignments due. I love learning. I do think that I could, should, give more to my studies. I should apply myself more. I just can’t find any more of myself to give.

I think the last sentence of the last two paragraphs above is what this all boils down to. I need time. I need time to stop and reflect on the past 14 months. I need time to process all the things I’ve done and been through and learned. I have changed and I need time to take account of that. I need to see where I stand without all the everyday distractions. I need time to just stop and be.

Happy Valentine's Day

He surprised me.

He sent me flowers!

I love him.

Ramblings

So much to say, yet no words to really capture what I feel.

Mike is experiencing the loss of two more soldiers. A vehicle accident. Could have happened anywhere really. Such a tragedy. We have about four more months until we can see each other again. I am starting to look around for our tickets to Hawaii. It will be pricey, but so worth it. I want to be there when he steps off the plane. To welcome my Hero back to the US. I want to meet his ‘kids’, the soldiers he has spent the last year with. I want to let him know that I love him and I am proud of him. Of all he has done, at the sacrifice he has made for us, for his soldiers, for our country.

When I talk to Mike, it seems like all I do is say I love you. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. Everything pales when I think of what others have lost in this war. It all seems so trivial. What kind of bedspread do you want on the new bed? So trivial in the grand scheme of things. I just hope that I show his how much he means to me. That man is my life. No one has shown me the love and support that he has. He has shown confidence in me when I had none in myself. He has shown me what a beautiful person I am, because he believes in me. He has given me more love that I believe I deserve. He will be the first to tell you that he loved me first. I don’t know how true that is. Sure, he showed it first. But at the time, I was afraid to love. I was afraid of putting myself out there and being hurt again. But the love he showed me was so pure and so true; I couldn’t turn away from him. And looking back on the past 9 years, I am so thankful I followed my heart.

The past 8 months have been difficult for Mike. For all of us really, but more so for him. He is in a far away place, without his loved ones, and in mortal danger. Yes, it is difficult to do this military wife gig, to raise the kids without him here. But I have support; I have family and friends within my reach. And I am not in the danger he is in. I can’t imagine being in his shoes. Experiencing what he has. I can’t fathom what he has seen, what he has done. He has more strength that I ever thought a person could. I am proud of him. For what he does, for who he is. He went to Iraq with this group of men and women because he believed in them. He took them there out of a calling from within. And I stand here and support him. Because he is a wonderful, giving person who thinks of others before himself. He knew the sacrifices going in, and he chose to be a leader. Sure, he gets frustrated. But it is because he cares. If he didn’t, he would have stayed in Korea and would be returning to us tomorrow, the anniversary of when he left here. Instead he chose the other path. We knew it would be a longer time apart, we knew the sacrifices, and he, we accepted them.

I’ve written before how selfless this man is. I see that more today than ever. I can’t even put into words how fortunate I am to be married to him…

Blooming

Thank you, Mike. For helping me bloom.

Nature is Pruning

We are in the middle of a snow storm. We lost power for most of the evening, all night last night, and most of today. The trees, and everything else, are coated in ice. All night last night, with the silence that no electricity brings, I lay and listened to the branches and limbs cracking and falling to the ground. I was boiling water on the grill this morning when I looked up into the trees in our backyard.
Our trees are bent with the weight of all the ice accumulated on them. A lot of the branches are snapping and breaking from the weight. I thought about how this is a lot like the burdens we carry in life. We can handle a little ice from time to time. But when it all piles up on us, sometimes it can be too much. Little pieces of us tend to break off.
I know when the spring comes the trees will bloom and grow leaves. Most of the places where branches broke off will no longer be visible. We will once again see the beauty of the trees. I wonder if this is nature’s way of pruning those parts of the trees that are no longer necessary to the trees in order for them to function.
Oftentimes, when we go through a tough time in life, and our burdens seem too much to bear, we tend to lose little pieces of ourselves. We find ways to cope, ways to make it through the tough times. Once we get through those times, we often feel changed. We look at ourselves and see who we used to be and who we have become. We may miss those pieces, but we are still beautiful for who we are. Maybe that is life’s way of pruning us. Helping us to rid ourselves of those things we no longer need, the things that can be more destructive than good; and find ways of adapting to life around us.
I am sure that my trees will be fine once this storm is over. I will have to pick up those excess pieces. But I think that my tree will bloom. The leaves will cover the branches and limbs and we will appreciate their beauty once again. I just hope that I can muddle through life’s burdens. Stand strong as a tree. Bend when I need to. And though I may break at times, I hope I remember that the true beauty will come from within. And that once the winter is gone, I will once again bloom.

Rest In Peace

My Grandmother passed away today.
Rest in Peace Maw Maw. I love you.

May Your Days be Merry

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I have many blessing to count and much love to give. Merry Christmas everyone... and to you and yours, a Happy New Year.

What's Worse

My biggest fear of Mike being in Iraq is losing him. It has been since we’ve known he was going. Some women are afraid their husbands are going to come back changed. They all come back changed. You can not experience what our soldiers are experiencing and not be changed by it. It does affect everyone in different ways, but I don’t believe anyone can come back unchanged.

I heard this morning that a local family experienced a tragedy on Saturday. Apparently the husband and wife were on their way to Lowe’s to do some Christmas shopping. A car coming from the opposite direction crossed the center line in an S curve. The husband swerved to miss the car and loss control when he hit some gravel on the side of the road. His car hit a tree and he died on impact. The wife was released from the hospital today. Her husband will be buried on Wednesday. They have three children. The saddest part of this story is that the husband, the father, just returned from a tour in Iraq 40 days ago.

I have had to face the fact that I could lose my husband to this war. I think we often forget just how fragile life is. How quickly we can lose any of our loved ones. My husband is in more immanent danger than most of us. But tragedy can strike any of us.

As far as Mike coming back changed, I can see it already. We have opened lines of communication and it’s so wonderful. We have always had a great marriage. I think now it has gone to a new level. I hope that everyone gets to experience this type of love during their lifetime.

Snow Day

We have a snow day tomorrow. We also had one on Thursday last week. And Friday. The kids are thrilled as they get to spend another day playing in the snow instead of sitting in class. As for myself, I have to drive almost 2 hours tomorrow to sit in class.. for 8 hours. JOY.

Here is some pictures of the kids enjoying the snow! I'm glad this is something they get to experience! Growing up in Lousiana, we never got to see or play in snow. Mike grew up in New England, so he got enough. I like it here because we usually only get a couple of snow days a year and it's enough to satisfy the fun factor without totally being too much.

Lauren and Matthew


Jacob

Chemo and Morphine

Chemo First
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. She will turn 53 years old.
It is also the day she starts chemo again.

Morphine
My MawMaw is not doing well. She agreed to let hospice come in and take over her care earlier this month. Mom told me tonight that she started morphine for pain. Things don't look good at all.

I'm here...

So much has happened.. so few words to describe it all...

Quick rundown:

Mike came home for his R&R. It was the best 16 days! We all had a blast. Spent the weekend in Branson just hanging out and enjoying being a family.

My Mom has to do chemo again. Damn autoimmune disease. Scares the crap out of me.

I got a new camera. A Nikon D50. I love it!! :) I'll post pics... eventually. Might do a flick'r account... hmmmmm

I am still in school full time. 5 classes to go counting the 2 I'm currently in. I am looking forward to May when I graduate. And can't believe I am even entertaining the thought of going for my Masters.. YIKES!

The kids are great. Lauren is loving dance. They all just finished soccer.

We had a pretty good Thanksgiving. I got sick.. really sick. The kids didn't, which is good. Had friends over.

Christmas shopping is almost done. YAY!

Must sleep now. Will try to post again soon. I'll put some pictures up. Here is one of the sunset earlier...

For True...

this time
next week
i will be
in his arms

Long Road Home

Mike has been away for eight and a half months. He came home for a couple of weeks at the end of May/early June. We still have eight and a half months, at least, until he is back home with us.

Last Friday, the 13th, marked another tragedy for our troops. Mike's platoon lost a soldier to an IED. I can not begin to describe to you the emotions this has stirred. What I felt when I posted a few weeks ago about losing a soldier doesn't even come close to how I felt when we lost 'one of ours'.

When all the talk of Mike going to Iraq came about, I wrote about how I felt, and how we came to the decision for Mike to go to Iraq. He really felt a pull to go with this group of soldiers. As much as I hate the idea of him being there, I feel pride for him doing what he feels he needs to do. I have never met any of the soldiers in Mike's platoon. But I know that each one of them mean something to him.

I wish there was way for me to know these soldiers. Because they mean so much to my husband. Because they are family now. Because you can't go through what they are experiencing without some form of attachment. I wish I knew these soldiers becaue they are brave and young and scared and heroes.

I know that we have a long road left ahead of us. Mike will be home in early December for a couple of weeks. Then he goes back to Iraq. From there, we don't yet know where he will go. That past eight and a half months has passed fairly quick. Sometimes I think back on something that has happened and remember that Mike wasn't home for it. I think the next eight and a half months will be harder. Partly because they haven't passes yet, but partly because I am more accutely aware of what I stand to lose. The only thing that will relieve the fears is having Mike home in my arms.

I know this experience will change him. I'm sure it has already changed me. I know that I've grown as a person since he has been gone. I've made some realizations about myself. Our relationship has also grown. I've seen alot more of Mike, or made some realizations, that will definately come into play once we are together again. And I believe these are all positive things.

I can't wait for him to be here. To be a part of our day to day lives again. The kids have done well with the deloyment so far. Much better than I imagined. I feel it's time to have Mike back home though. Because even though we get through our days, we definately feel his absense. And it's hard to share things with such a distance between us. Until this is over, I'll keep looking ahead, counting the months and waiting for him return home.

Soccer Time

The kids are playing soccer. We live at the soccer field now. You can just forward our mail there. Should be easy since someone stole our mailbox.
Here are the kids soccer pictures! :)

Matthew


Jacob


Lauren


They are really enjoying the game. Lauren's favorite part is chasing the boys.. man are we in trouble! LOL

Not Sure What to Say

Mike’s unit has lost a soldier. Sniper.

The feelings are overwhelming. I was ok at first. It hit me on the way to school. I can’t imagine and yet I do. And I am trying to process the emotions. But it’s difficult. So many different aspects to examine.

He was a single man. Young, but a man. He is survived by his Mother. Mother. This woman has to bury her son. I can not imagine having to lay my child to rest. I think of why Mike is there and I think that perhaps this young man was there for the same reason. For his country. His honor. His duty. In his Mother’s grief, I hope she can see these things in her son’s death as well. I pray for peace for her, the family.

He was a soldier. They all went there knowing the risks. Some went by choice, some only because they were ordered to do so. All of them are doing their best they know how with what they have. It can’t be easy to be there. And to watch a fellow comrade go down has got to be difficult. It is staring your mortality down. It is knowing that it could have been you.

As a wife of a soldier who is in the same place, I am fearful. This just drive home the danger my husband is in. I wouldn’t be honest if I said I wasn’t afraid. I am terrified. My biggest fear is losing him. Because in his absence I have come to realize how much he means to me. It’s easy to lose sight of those things in the everyday drone of life. Some people say that ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. I say distance makes you realize why you love someone without all those little annoying things getting in the way. We have always had a good marriage. A great marriage. And I feel that we are stronger today than ever.

I know this is going to take some time to process. I know how hard this is for me. I can’t imagine what our troops are feeling. I hope they know that their sacrifices are not in vain. It takes a strong person to go out there and do what our soldiers are doing. It also takes a strong person to stand back and support that. I hope that the Mother of that fallen soldier realizes how strong she is for backing her son, no matter what.

It hurts

When I can’t do it all.

When I want someone to comfort me, but I have to comfort everyone else instead.

When all I want is quiet and the world just keep moving around me.

When all I want is my husband home.

When my children ask for their Dad, and there is nothing I can do for them.

When I’m alone.

When I can’t ask for help, because I don’t know how.

When I feel like running.

When I cry this hard.

Just Want to QUIT!

I can not believe I am even thinking about wanting my Masters degree. I am a full time student now, online courses. I will finish my BA in Psych in May of 2007. I am getting ready to enroll in Statistics next session. Someone SHOOT ME NOW! I am sooo tired of the school thing. It's exhausting. I just need to vent..
... now I am off to finish my paper that was due Sunday... Joy.

Touched By an Angel

I got a new JOB! A paying job, which has me at the school full time. This is why my blog has been so neglected. It was either the blog or the kids, and well, they mean a little more to me! I spent last week in St Louis being trained for this job. Actually, it’s a job that I’ve been training for all my life without knowing. Last week in St Louis was only learning how to fill out the paperwork.

During one of the small group sessions I was sitting across from a woman wearing a gold chain with a pendant of a yellow ribbon hanging from it. I asked where she got it from. She said that it was given to her when her husband was in Iraq last year. He returned home last December, but she was going to wear that pendant until all of our troops returned home. I told her that Mike was in Iraq, forming a bond between her and me. After a lunch break, she approached me, and handed me the pendant from her chain. I told her, choking back tears, that I couldn’t take it. I did take it. I am proudly wearing it around my neck. Until my husband returns. At that point, I will pass it on to someone else just starting on this journey.

A couple of post ago, I wrote about Dad Gone Mad and Project Lovebomb, a site he started about one of our troops. I have been exchanging email with the wife of that soldier. I received one this morning about some of her feelings. It really hit home for me. She mentioned in an email that she published some of her feelings on her personal blog, but was hesitant to put it up there on the Project Lovebomb site. This was my reply:

“It is very scary stuff. I think by you, and us really, acknowledging that, it is
helpful for people to see what we are feeling. To know that what we are
going through is so real. I think this opportunity through DGM and PL has
come about for a reason, and I don't think we know the real reason yet.
What our husbands are out there doing is a very real, very dangerous thing.
I don't believe that we should keep it to ourselves so as not to offend
others. It's our lives, our emotions. We have the right to express them. I
truly think it will help others who may not be able to find the words to
express it themselves.
When someone finds out where my husband is, they start to feel sorry for us.
I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. We were and are well aware of
the risk of him being deployed. We knew when we had kids that part of that
would be spent with Daddy away, because it's the military life. I know alot
of people don't understand what it's like to not know when your loved one is
coming home. But I also wish they would realize it doesn't help to point
out how difficult it must be or 'oh wow, how do you do it?". We just do,
because we have to, ya know.”

I think that by living in a military community, more people around me understand what I am feeling and going through. But for people who aren’t around the military, it is really hard for them to understand what we are experiencing. I got my first real scare last night. I was sitting here reviewing some homework and I saw a white van pull into my driveway. I didn’t recognize it at first and got a huge lump in my throat as I walked toward the door to see who it was, not wanting my children to answer the door should it be men in uniform there to talk to me about their Daddy. It was a friend dropping something off, in her new minivan. But the fear I felt as she drove down my driveway is something I won’t soon forget.

He's Still Older

So last week Mike and I both celebrated out birthdays. He turned 31 on Wednesday. And for two whole days, I could rag on him, through email anyway, about his age. Then, on Friday, I joined him in the ranks of the thirty-somethings. He celebrated his birthday surrounded by sand and soldiers. I celebrated mine surrounded by 9 of my friends (and quite frankly, I can't tell you how many kids were running around in the yard. Just know that they outnumbered the adults!)

My girlfriends and I have started a 'window's club'. No, we aren't widows, but with our husbands deployed, it sure feels like it sometimes. We typically meet here at my house on Friday nights. We do a pot luck type dinner and the kids get to run around and wear themselves and each other out. My best friend Amy took it upon herself to invite all of our friends to join in on Friday night to celebrate my birthday. Of course not everyone could attend. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be able to say that not all of my friends were in attendance, but NINE were. It just reasures me that staying here while Mike is deployed is the best move we could have made.

As far as birthday gifts I got a couple of new outfits for that job I may be startig on Wednesday. I also got some cash, some DQ certificates and batteries. I have to say... the batteries were probably the best thing I opened... after all, it was a widow's club meeting.

Dad Gone Mad

WOW.
If you have never read the blog Dad Gone Mad, where have you been?! Go on over and read what they have going on... it's amazing the love and support people show for our troops.

My online friends from my parenting websites and email list have already adopted about half of Mike's platoon. I know how much these soldier appreciate all that my friends have done for them. You wouldn't believe the difference a note or package from a stranger showing support means to them. Most of the soldiers are young, early twenties. They have never been away from home. They are supporting our way of life. I feel the least we can do it to honor then, care for them, and show them that we are behind them.

An Answer...

Jacob went back to the doctor on Tuesday. And Thursday. We found out that the infection is his finger is MRSA.. go ahead, google it... yeah, penicillin resistant staph. Nice. And contageous to boot. Joy.

It is drying up and doing much better. And he is taking his medicine like a trooper. We go back to the doctor again on Monday for a final check. All I can say is thank goodness we don't have a copay!!

More ER Frequent Flyer Miles...

So, this is what I typed about yesterday :

Jacob has been complaining all day of his finger hurting.. and under his arm. I thought maybe he pulled something under his arm yesterday at a birthday party. I couldn't see anything on his finger, so I blew that off too. Tonight, as I was getting dinner ready, he showed me his finger again. It kinda looked like a wart. My friend Amy was over, so I had her look at it as well. When she touched it, the thing popped.. weird. I put peroxide on it and we left it alone. While we were sitting down eating, Amy and I noticed at the same time that it was starting to streak! I look at Amy, she looked at me and off Jacob and I went to the ER. (She stayed here with Matthew and Lauren).

They diagnosed it as herpetis whitlow. Basically, it's a cold sore on his finger. BUT, the infection has traveled into the lymph node under his arm as well. They gave us antibiotics and we have to go back in the morning to see his PMC.

We got home and I got him to bed. I sat and took a test for my online class. Next thing I know.. he is puking! UGH... The meds didn't come back up, so that's good. He does have a fever, 101.6. I called the ER back. They said to make sure he eats when he takes the meds in the am and to give him motrin or tylenol for the fever. He is sleeping now. Man, I hope he has a good night...

He puked again around 4:30 this morning. So, uh, not a good night. I got him an appointment this morning to see his regular doctor. She said the ER docs were wrong. It's an infection of some sort. They drained it and are going to run cultures on it. To make things more interesting, he is allergic to the antibiotic they gave him (augmentin) so they switched that too. He has to go back to the doctor in the morning to see how it's doing.

He is sleeping now. I should be. I pray he is doing better in the morning. I feel so helpless. I broke down in the doctors office today. The nurse was triaging him and asked what was wrong. I just lost it. Damn it.

Back To School...

The kids went back to school yesterday!
My baby started Kindergarten, and I didn't even cry. And I almost feel guilty about it. Almost. The boys are in 2nd and 4th grade this year. I will complete my Bachelor's degree around the same time they finish this school year. YAY!

The Floor..It is

FINISHED! Whew!

I can still feel a little bit of the grain of the wood.So I polyed a small section in the corner to see if a 4th coat would make a difference. It didn't. So, it stays as is. We get to put the furniture back in tomorrow! I can't wait. I'm even anxious to CLEAN! HA!

Oh, and the color is a little lighter than the rest of the house. It could be because the rest of the floors have darkened with age. I happen to like the color differnce. :)

I tried to upload pics, but it isn't working right now... go figure!

The Floor Saga...

still is NOT done!




This picture was taken this morning..You can see the room on the left is sanded. The room on the right has one coat of poly on it. And the floor to the bottom of the picture is the hallway. That is what the floors should look like when it's all over. No more poly has been put down since these pictures were taken.
An attempt was made at putting up a new ceiling fan, but the fan is defective. Damn.
Will this ever end?!

Floors... Day 2 of Sanding

This is going to take FOR-EVER! UGH
So, he came here around eleven or so yesterday. Taped plastic in the first room (to cut down on sawdust on the walls) and did the first sanding of that floor. He left around 8:30 last night. He is back now and has taped the second room. Sanding is going strong...
I pray this is done today, but being realistic, it will likely continue tomorrow...

Wood Floors.. Part 2

I am waiting for my contractor to come sand the wood floors in the boys rooms. I can't tell you how excited I am about this. Also, I'm just ready for it to be OVER! He will sand today and poly tomorrow. We have to wait 72 hours from the last coat until we can put their furniture back into their rooms. That means I can't put their rooms back together until SUNDAY!! UGH...
The kids start school next Thursday! I want their rooms done and normalcy returned to our home. I can't wait until we are back into our routine.

And We're Back!

We got home from our vacation on Tuesday. It's been nonstop since.
We had a great time. The boys got mohawks in Florida!! :)















I'll need to go back and read the kids journals to see what all we did. I can't remember everything. We did have a good time, but the kids were ready to get back home.
I am in the middle of composing a post in my head. I need to get it typed out... I'll post it soon.

In Florida

We arrived here in Florida on Wednesday. It's Thursday, about midnight here, so technially Friday morning. Everything is going well. The kids are great! I got to chat with Mike tonight for a long time. It's so great to be able to communicate with him! I miss him so much, but this makes things so much better.

We plan to visit the flea market tomorrow. Downtown Disney on Saturday. We will also go bowling and maybe to the beach as well while we are here. We head back to Louisiana on Tuesday. The time seems to be moving so fast...

Just wanted to update. Need to get some sleep. I'll post more later. Here is a picture of the kids right after we crossed over from Louisiana into Mississippi the other day!

It All Began During my Second Pregnancy

I was getting out of the shower this morning and Lauren came into the bathroom. We had the following conversation:

Her: I can see you naked because we are both girls.

Me: Well, I have the same part as you do.

Her: Yours are bigger!

Me: Only because my body is bigger, and well, I've had a few kids.

Her: Yeah, well, when you were pregnant with Jacob in your belly, he kicked my Egg!

All I could do was laugh!

On 'Vacation', Part 1

So, things are CRAZY! I am on ‘vacation’. We arrived here in Louisiana last Monday. We have been here for a week now. I have been to Target (TWICE!), Wal-Mart (more times than I can count), eaten at Olive Garden and finished a term paper, a midterm and an essay. OH, I’ve also attended TWO baby showers! And today I have a shrimp po-boy, crab stew and boiled crabs! YUM! Things are going fairly well. There hasn’t been much drama or conflict with my sisters yet. I’ve received two emails from Mike as well as two phone calls. The kids are having a great time. They are loving the fact that COUSINS live just around the corner! They slept at my sister’s house last night. All three kids!! It was, um, weird! to not have them here with me. But nice because I was able to finish my mid-term in relative peace.

Of course, this wouldn’t be ‘home’ without drama. The drama is between my Mom’s family. My Grandmother is sick. She has four children. Oldest Uncle Son, Oldest Daughter, My Mom, and Youngest Son. Youngest Son has everything handed to him by Maw Maw (my grandmother). He works, makes good money, and does drugs. He has NOTHING to show for his life. She pays his truck note, insurance and provides a place for him to live and food to eat. He does nothing for her. Oldest Son lives next door. His wife runs over to help Maw Maw numerous times a day. They give her all her insulin shots as well. Oldest Daughter doesn’t come around. Hasn’t in about 2 months. My Mom lives around the corner from Maw Maw. Since I have been home I have witnessed everyone talk about the issues with Youngest Son. I have listened as stories get passed back and forth. This one says one thing and the other reports it to someone else. It’s like that game in school where you whisper something to the person next to you and by the time it reaches the last person, the story has changed so much it hardly recognizable. It amazes me that no one will tell Maw Maw all the drama going on behind the scenes. It also amazed me that Maw Maw is so blind she can’t see how her son is draining everything she has right from under her.

I don’t handle conflict very well. It is hard for me to be here witnessing all of this taking place. I want to sit everyone down and make them see what I see. But I know that is not realistic. And I am sure there is more to this than I what I am aware of. It is just so hard to watch the drama unfold. Knowing how much it hurts my Mom.

This trip has been eye opening for me. I’ve come to realize that my family has changed in the thirteen years since I moved away. So many things are still the same. But my family isn’t the same as it was when I left. Or maybe it is and I have just changed so much I am viewing them all through different eyes. I can feel something inside of me changing. The past month has been a time of personal growth for me. It isn’t something I can point out, but I know some changes are happening. I am becoming more aware of a lot of things around me. There is a lot of change happening in my life right now. I feel it’s a time of redirecting my priorities.

With Mike being gone I have been thinking a lot more about where I want my life to go. It’s easy to settle into a routine when we are together and not think too far into the future. With this deployment, I find I am more focused on our long-term goals. I see where I want us to be and I am working on getting us there.

Ok, I have so many more things going through my mind right now. It is hard to capture them all and get them down. I’ll write more later, but wanted to at least start to write about the things going on.

I’ll close with a crappy thing that happened to me on Friday. My Mom, my Sister, her daughter, my other neice, my three kids and I were getting ready to go out to eat breakfast. As I was loading the kids into the truck my sister says “You aren’t going anywhere in that truck”.. I looked down and my tire was FLAT! To the RIM, flat! We used my Mom’s car the rest of the day. The next day I got the tire fixed. Hopefully it holds up for a LONG time!! But man, what a crappy way to start the day!

Doing Better

I am happy to say that Lauren seems to be over the virus. She has been fever free for about 36 hours now!! Woohoo!!

I'm doing much better as far as dealing with things right now. And the kids were awesome today!!
Time to go to bed and sleep before something too bad happens! hehe

He Called...

I missed TWO calls from Mike yesterday. TWO. I had taken Lauren a doctors appointment for the fever the keeps spiking. Seems it's just a virus. I really hope we see the end of this virus soon. I can't stand to watch her with the fever anymore. She is fine between fevers, but when her temps start to go up she just goes to bed. And sleeps. Until I figure out, HEY, she is doing it again, go drug her! She has only had motrin once today... it's a start I guess.

I stayed busy today. Mike called last night around 9 and it totally made me happy. He called again this morning and I have to say hearing from him totally makes my day. After I spoke with him today we walked a little over a mile (kids pooped out on me), sanded and repainted the boys baseboards, cleaned out the workshop so that when I'm on vacation the dogs don't destroy everything, burnt trash, cleaned the cusion thing for Mike's ATV, moved some things around in the garage so I can park the van in there while I'm gone, and even managed to grill some pork chops for dinner. It was a wonderful day. The kids have been in better moods as well.

So, before I leave for Louisiana on Monday I have to finish a term paper, do my homework due tomorrow, a quiz due Saturday, and two essays due Sunday. I need to vacuum out both vehicles and armor all the interiors. I have to get the laundry all caught up and pack for all of us. I have to finish sewing some pillowcases I was supposed to do back in January, and drop those off with a birthday gift for the party we misses last weekend. Hmmm, what else. OH, I need to go to the commisary tomorrow for dog food so they don't run out while I'm gone. And I'd like the leave the house as clean as possible so I don't come home to a mess. We get back on the 1st of August and the floors will be sanded and refinished in the boys rooms on the 3rd. On the 2nd, I'll be busy unpacking and getting groceries.. joy.

Ok, I'm going to go shower now and get started on that quiz, so I can pretend I don't have a term paper due!
Here is a picture of Mike from June, when he was in Florida visiting his Mom. She shot it and I altered it. He is my hero!

Half Way Better Day...

My mood did improve some this afternoon. PMS is a bitch.

The kids are still driving me insane. Hopefully now that the hormones are leveling out again I can handle them better.

I still haven't heard from Mike since I missed his call yesterday. I am getting pretty upset about it. I really want to hear his voice. I saved the message on the machine so I can play it again and again.

Lauren is still sick. It's been over a week. The fever is starting to come back before the meds wear off. I hope they can get her into the clinic first thing in the morning. I am getting very worried about her.

Amy and I took the kids on base tonight to watch the fireworks. After we got back the kids and I did some fireworks we bought the other day. The kids had a good time.

Why is it so exhausting to just BE sometimes?!

Hard Day

Today just sucked. I missed Mike’s call. And this is the day when I really need to hear his voice. I am so sad right now. I can’t even think straight. I know we will make it through this year, but God it hurts so much to be so far away. I am terrified of what could happen. I am really trying to stay strong. To hold it in and keep going. But sometimes the weight of it all is just so much to bear. I am so frustrated and sensitive right now. I can’t deal with anything. The kids haven’t done anything specific, but MAN they are driving me insane. I just want to be alone in a quiet place with nothing to think or worry about. I want to escape my feeling and thoughts for a while.
I sent Mike a few emails over the last few days. All I got back was a seven word reply. From one of the emails. This shit is going to kill me, I swear.

ER Frequent Flyer Miles...

I swear there should be a club!

I took Lauren to the ER tonight. She has had a fever of unknown origin since last weekend. It was getting better (not as high) and we were able to go longer between doses of motrin. This morning it was back up to 102.6 and six hours after the motrin was back up to 102. An hour after another dose of meds only brought her temp down to 99.9, so off we went to the hospital. They did a UA on her because of her kidney reflux and everything looked fine. She has no other symptoms, so the dr wrote it off as a virus. I just hope we see the end of this soon. I hate when she feels miserable. And I am exhausted!