Rest In Peace

My Grandmother passed away today.
Rest in Peace Maw Maw. I love you.

May Your Days be Merry

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I have many blessing to count and much love to give. Merry Christmas everyone... and to you and yours, a Happy New Year.

What's Worse

My biggest fear of Mike being in Iraq is losing him. It has been since we’ve known he was going. Some women are afraid their husbands are going to come back changed. They all come back changed. You can not experience what our soldiers are experiencing and not be changed by it. It does affect everyone in different ways, but I don’t believe anyone can come back unchanged.

I heard this morning that a local family experienced a tragedy on Saturday. Apparently the husband and wife were on their way to Lowe’s to do some Christmas shopping. A car coming from the opposite direction crossed the center line in an S curve. The husband swerved to miss the car and loss control when he hit some gravel on the side of the road. His car hit a tree and he died on impact. The wife was released from the hospital today. Her husband will be buried on Wednesday. They have three children. The saddest part of this story is that the husband, the father, just returned from a tour in Iraq 40 days ago.

I have had to face the fact that I could lose my husband to this war. I think we often forget just how fragile life is. How quickly we can lose any of our loved ones. My husband is in more immanent danger than most of us. But tragedy can strike any of us.

As far as Mike coming back changed, I can see it already. We have opened lines of communication and it’s so wonderful. We have always had a great marriage. I think now it has gone to a new level. I hope that everyone gets to experience this type of love during their lifetime.

Snow Day

We have a snow day tomorrow. We also had one on Thursday last week. And Friday. The kids are thrilled as they get to spend another day playing in the snow instead of sitting in class. As for myself, I have to drive almost 2 hours tomorrow to sit in class.. for 8 hours. JOY.

Here is some pictures of the kids enjoying the snow! I'm glad this is something they get to experience! Growing up in Lousiana, we never got to see or play in snow. Mike grew up in New England, so he got enough. I like it here because we usually only get a couple of snow days a year and it's enough to satisfy the fun factor without totally being too much.

Lauren and Matthew


Jacob

Chemo and Morphine

Chemo First
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. She will turn 53 years old.
It is also the day she starts chemo again.

Morphine
My MawMaw is not doing well. She agreed to let hospice come in and take over her care earlier this month. Mom told me tonight that she started morphine for pain. Things don't look good at all.

I'm here...

So much has happened.. so few words to describe it all...

Quick rundown:

Mike came home for his R&R. It was the best 16 days! We all had a blast. Spent the weekend in Branson just hanging out and enjoying being a family.

My Mom has to do chemo again. Damn autoimmune disease. Scares the crap out of me.

I got a new camera. A Nikon D50. I love it!! :) I'll post pics... eventually. Might do a flick'r account... hmmmmm

I am still in school full time. 5 classes to go counting the 2 I'm currently in. I am looking forward to May when I graduate. And can't believe I am even entertaining the thought of going for my Masters.. YIKES!

The kids are great. Lauren is loving dance. They all just finished soccer.

We had a pretty good Thanksgiving. I got sick.. really sick. The kids didn't, which is good. Had friends over.

Christmas shopping is almost done. YAY!

Must sleep now. Will try to post again soon. I'll put some pictures up. Here is one of the sunset earlier...

For True...

this time
next week
i will be
in his arms

Long Road Home

Mike has been away for eight and a half months. He came home for a couple of weeks at the end of May/early June. We still have eight and a half months, at least, until he is back home with us.

Last Friday, the 13th, marked another tragedy for our troops. Mike's platoon lost a soldier to an IED. I can not begin to describe to you the emotions this has stirred. What I felt when I posted a few weeks ago about losing a soldier doesn't even come close to how I felt when we lost 'one of ours'.

When all the talk of Mike going to Iraq came about, I wrote about how I felt, and how we came to the decision for Mike to go to Iraq. He really felt a pull to go with this group of soldiers. As much as I hate the idea of him being there, I feel pride for him doing what he feels he needs to do. I have never met any of the soldiers in Mike's platoon. But I know that each one of them mean something to him.

I wish there was way for me to know these soldiers. Because they mean so much to my husband. Because they are family now. Because you can't go through what they are experiencing without some form of attachment. I wish I knew these soldiers becaue they are brave and young and scared and heroes.

I know that we have a long road left ahead of us. Mike will be home in early December for a couple of weeks. Then he goes back to Iraq. From there, we don't yet know where he will go. That past eight and a half months has passed fairly quick. Sometimes I think back on something that has happened and remember that Mike wasn't home for it. I think the next eight and a half months will be harder. Partly because they haven't passes yet, but partly because I am more accutely aware of what I stand to lose. The only thing that will relieve the fears is having Mike home in my arms.

I know this experience will change him. I'm sure it has already changed me. I know that I've grown as a person since he has been gone. I've made some realizations about myself. Our relationship has also grown. I've seen alot more of Mike, or made some realizations, that will definately come into play once we are together again. And I believe these are all positive things.

I can't wait for him to be here. To be a part of our day to day lives again. The kids have done well with the deloyment so far. Much better than I imagined. I feel it's time to have Mike back home though. Because even though we get through our days, we definately feel his absense. And it's hard to share things with such a distance between us. Until this is over, I'll keep looking ahead, counting the months and waiting for him return home.

Soccer Time

The kids are playing soccer. We live at the soccer field now. You can just forward our mail there. Should be easy since someone stole our mailbox.
Here are the kids soccer pictures! :)

Matthew


Jacob


Lauren


They are really enjoying the game. Lauren's favorite part is chasing the boys.. man are we in trouble! LOL

Not Sure What to Say

Mike’s unit has lost a soldier. Sniper.

The feelings are overwhelming. I was ok at first. It hit me on the way to school. I can’t imagine and yet I do. And I am trying to process the emotions. But it’s difficult. So many different aspects to examine.

He was a single man. Young, but a man. He is survived by his Mother. Mother. This woman has to bury her son. I can not imagine having to lay my child to rest. I think of why Mike is there and I think that perhaps this young man was there for the same reason. For his country. His honor. His duty. In his Mother’s grief, I hope she can see these things in her son’s death as well. I pray for peace for her, the family.

He was a soldier. They all went there knowing the risks. Some went by choice, some only because they were ordered to do so. All of them are doing their best they know how with what they have. It can’t be easy to be there. And to watch a fellow comrade go down has got to be difficult. It is staring your mortality down. It is knowing that it could have been you.

As a wife of a soldier who is in the same place, I am fearful. This just drive home the danger my husband is in. I wouldn’t be honest if I said I wasn’t afraid. I am terrified. My biggest fear is losing him. Because in his absence I have come to realize how much he means to me. It’s easy to lose sight of those things in the everyday drone of life. Some people say that ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. I say distance makes you realize why you love someone without all those little annoying things getting in the way. We have always had a good marriage. A great marriage. And I feel that we are stronger today than ever.

I know this is going to take some time to process. I know how hard this is for me. I can’t imagine what our troops are feeling. I hope they know that their sacrifices are not in vain. It takes a strong person to go out there and do what our soldiers are doing. It also takes a strong person to stand back and support that. I hope that the Mother of that fallen soldier realizes how strong she is for backing her son, no matter what.

It hurts

When I can’t do it all.

When I want someone to comfort me, but I have to comfort everyone else instead.

When all I want is quiet and the world just keep moving around me.

When all I want is my husband home.

When my children ask for their Dad, and there is nothing I can do for them.

When I’m alone.

When I can’t ask for help, because I don’t know how.

When I feel like running.

When I cry this hard.

Just Want to QUIT!

I can not believe I am even thinking about wanting my Masters degree. I am a full time student now, online courses. I will finish my BA in Psych in May of 2007. I am getting ready to enroll in Statistics next session. Someone SHOOT ME NOW! I am sooo tired of the school thing. It's exhausting. I just need to vent..
... now I am off to finish my paper that was due Sunday... Joy.

Touched By an Angel

I got a new JOB! A paying job, which has me at the school full time. This is why my blog has been so neglected. It was either the blog or the kids, and well, they mean a little more to me! I spent last week in St Louis being trained for this job. Actually, it’s a job that I’ve been training for all my life without knowing. Last week in St Louis was only learning how to fill out the paperwork.

During one of the small group sessions I was sitting across from a woman wearing a gold chain with a pendant of a yellow ribbon hanging from it. I asked where she got it from. She said that it was given to her when her husband was in Iraq last year. He returned home last December, but she was going to wear that pendant until all of our troops returned home. I told her that Mike was in Iraq, forming a bond between her and me. After a lunch break, she approached me, and handed me the pendant from her chain. I told her, choking back tears, that I couldn’t take it. I did take it. I am proudly wearing it around my neck. Until my husband returns. At that point, I will pass it on to someone else just starting on this journey.

A couple of post ago, I wrote about Dad Gone Mad and Project Lovebomb, a site he started about one of our troops. I have been exchanging email with the wife of that soldier. I received one this morning about some of her feelings. It really hit home for me. She mentioned in an email that she published some of her feelings on her personal blog, but was hesitant to put it up there on the Project Lovebomb site. This was my reply:

“It is very scary stuff. I think by you, and us really, acknowledging that, it is
helpful for people to see what we are feeling. To know that what we are
going through is so real. I think this opportunity through DGM and PL has
come about for a reason, and I don't think we know the real reason yet.
What our husbands are out there doing is a very real, very dangerous thing.
I don't believe that we should keep it to ourselves so as not to offend
others. It's our lives, our emotions. We have the right to express them. I
truly think it will help others who may not be able to find the words to
express it themselves.
When someone finds out where my husband is, they start to feel sorry for us.
I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. We were and are well aware of
the risk of him being deployed. We knew when we had kids that part of that
would be spent with Daddy away, because it's the military life. I know alot
of people don't understand what it's like to not know when your loved one is
coming home. But I also wish they would realize it doesn't help to point
out how difficult it must be or 'oh wow, how do you do it?". We just do,
because we have to, ya know.”

I think that by living in a military community, more people around me understand what I am feeling and going through. But for people who aren’t around the military, it is really hard for them to understand what we are experiencing. I got my first real scare last night. I was sitting here reviewing some homework and I saw a white van pull into my driveway. I didn’t recognize it at first and got a huge lump in my throat as I walked toward the door to see who it was, not wanting my children to answer the door should it be men in uniform there to talk to me about their Daddy. It was a friend dropping something off, in her new minivan. But the fear I felt as she drove down my driveway is something I won’t soon forget.

He's Still Older

So last week Mike and I both celebrated out birthdays. He turned 31 on Wednesday. And for two whole days, I could rag on him, through email anyway, about his age. Then, on Friday, I joined him in the ranks of the thirty-somethings. He celebrated his birthday surrounded by sand and soldiers. I celebrated mine surrounded by 9 of my friends (and quite frankly, I can't tell you how many kids were running around in the yard. Just know that they outnumbered the adults!)

My girlfriends and I have started a 'window's club'. No, we aren't widows, but with our husbands deployed, it sure feels like it sometimes. We typically meet here at my house on Friday nights. We do a pot luck type dinner and the kids get to run around and wear themselves and each other out. My best friend Amy took it upon herself to invite all of our friends to join in on Friday night to celebrate my birthday. Of course not everyone could attend. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be able to say that not all of my friends were in attendance, but NINE were. It just reasures me that staying here while Mike is deployed is the best move we could have made.

As far as birthday gifts I got a couple of new outfits for that job I may be startig on Wednesday. I also got some cash, some DQ certificates and batteries. I have to say... the batteries were probably the best thing I opened... after all, it was a widow's club meeting.

Dad Gone Mad

WOW.
If you have never read the blog Dad Gone Mad, where have you been?! Go on over and read what they have going on... it's amazing the love and support people show for our troops.

My online friends from my parenting websites and email list have already adopted about half of Mike's platoon. I know how much these soldier appreciate all that my friends have done for them. You wouldn't believe the difference a note or package from a stranger showing support means to them. Most of the soldiers are young, early twenties. They have never been away from home. They are supporting our way of life. I feel the least we can do it to honor then, care for them, and show them that we are behind them.

An Answer...

Jacob went back to the doctor on Tuesday. And Thursday. We found out that the infection is his finger is MRSA.. go ahead, google it... yeah, penicillin resistant staph. Nice. And contageous to boot. Joy.

It is drying up and doing much better. And he is taking his medicine like a trooper. We go back to the doctor again on Monday for a final check. All I can say is thank goodness we don't have a copay!!

More ER Frequent Flyer Miles...

So, this is what I typed about yesterday :

Jacob has been complaining all day of his finger hurting.. and under his arm. I thought maybe he pulled something under his arm yesterday at a birthday party. I couldn't see anything on his finger, so I blew that off too. Tonight, as I was getting dinner ready, he showed me his finger again. It kinda looked like a wart. My friend Amy was over, so I had her look at it as well. When she touched it, the thing popped.. weird. I put peroxide on it and we left it alone. While we were sitting down eating, Amy and I noticed at the same time that it was starting to streak! I look at Amy, she looked at me and off Jacob and I went to the ER. (She stayed here with Matthew and Lauren).

They diagnosed it as herpetis whitlow. Basically, it's a cold sore on his finger. BUT, the infection has traveled into the lymph node under his arm as well. They gave us antibiotics and we have to go back in the morning to see his PMC.

We got home and I got him to bed. I sat and took a test for my online class. Next thing I know.. he is puking! UGH... The meds didn't come back up, so that's good. He does have a fever, 101.6. I called the ER back. They said to make sure he eats when he takes the meds in the am and to give him motrin or tylenol for the fever. He is sleeping now. Man, I hope he has a good night...

He puked again around 4:30 this morning. So, uh, not a good night. I got him an appointment this morning to see his regular doctor. She said the ER docs were wrong. It's an infection of some sort. They drained it and are going to run cultures on it. To make things more interesting, he is allergic to the antibiotic they gave him (augmentin) so they switched that too. He has to go back to the doctor in the morning to see how it's doing.

He is sleeping now. I should be. I pray he is doing better in the morning. I feel so helpless. I broke down in the doctors office today. The nurse was triaging him and asked what was wrong. I just lost it. Damn it.

Back To School...

The kids went back to school yesterday!
My baby started Kindergarten, and I didn't even cry. And I almost feel guilty about it. Almost. The boys are in 2nd and 4th grade this year. I will complete my Bachelor's degree around the same time they finish this school year. YAY!

The Floor..It is

FINISHED! Whew!

I can still feel a little bit of the grain of the wood.So I polyed a small section in the corner to see if a 4th coat would make a difference. It didn't. So, it stays as is. We get to put the furniture back in tomorrow! I can't wait. I'm even anxious to CLEAN! HA!

Oh, and the color is a little lighter than the rest of the house. It could be because the rest of the floors have darkened with age. I happen to like the color differnce. :)

I tried to upload pics, but it isn't working right now... go figure!

The Floor Saga...

still is NOT done!




This picture was taken this morning..You can see the room on the left is sanded. The room on the right has one coat of poly on it. And the floor to the bottom of the picture is the hallway. That is what the floors should look like when it's all over. No more poly has been put down since these pictures were taken.
An attempt was made at putting up a new ceiling fan, but the fan is defective. Damn.
Will this ever end?!