What's it to You?!

Today is Mother’s Day. It’s a day to celebrate the person who brought us into this world. The woman who, for most of us, saw us through our infancy, our toddler-hood and those awkward school years. She put up with us through out teens and stood by us in our twenties as we tried to figure out who just who we are and what the heck we are doing. I know I owe a lot of who I am to my Mother. She gave to us selflessly and always sacrificed her needs for our wants. I am grateful to my Mother-in Law. She is the reason I have a husband who shows such compassion and respect.

As I sit here, I try to imagine what Mother’s Day will be like for me in 15 years. My kids will be 24, 22, and 20 then. I wonder if their kids will horde school made gifts in their backpacks until Sunday morning, so Mommy will be surprised as Lauren did for me this morning. I wonder if they will even have kids yet.

I woke this morning to the sound of my babies playing. I knew that there would be no gifts of jewelry or no meal out to celebrate unless it was something I did for myself. With Mike in Korea, it would be difficult for him to orchestrate such a thing. But those things don’t really appeal to me anyway. I love the little gifts the kids make themselves. They hold so much more meaning to me.

Last year for Mother’s Day, Mike got a new grill. Yes, you read that right, he got a grill. I didn’t get a tangible gift. But, I did have my children, and that is something not every woman can say. I know there are many women out there struggling just to be able to be Mothers. I know that the honor of being called Mom is not something to be taken lightly. And as a Mother, I know the job isn’t always easy. And the rewards are sometimes slow to come.

Today I was grateful for what I do have. I have three beautiful, healthy children. We are very fortunate for all the things we have. It is sometimes easy to lose sight of the simple things. When my children come up to me, and wrap their arms around me and tell me that they love me… that is the best gift ever. What more could a Mother want?

That's More Like It...

So, they kids woke me with breakfast. Then let me sleep as late as I wanted.
The rest of the day they played really well together.
I often wonder if my stress doesn't make me blow things out of proportion. I know the kids were off yesterday. Amy even commented on it when she was here. But I know that my frame of mind didn't help things any. Today should be a great day. I am DONE with another semester of classes!!
I am so looking forward to Mike being home. I am dreading what is to come once he returns to Korea, but I can't let that get in the way of enjoying the time we get together.
Things look so much better today.

A Ray of Light

So, I went to bed at midnight last night. Lauren was wiggling around in her bed, so I told her to come sleep with me. I needed a snuggle buddy. So she climbed into my bed and I went into the bathroom. And I heard it.
"Lauren, did you just throw up in my bed?"
"Uh huh, and... "
"More huh?"
So, I put her in the tub, stripped by bed, found clean sheets. Got her cleaned up, the bed remade and us back into it. She was so sweet. She said "Mom, I told you I didn't feel good". And she did before she went to bed last night.
What a way to end a shitty day.

The kids woke me up at 8 this morning. With breakfast!! It was so sweet. They made Fruity Pebbles, toast, pop tarts and a cheese stick. I also had a cup of milk in a My Little Pony cup. Best breakfast ever. And they let me go back to sleep. Until 11 this morning, when I got up on my own.

I so hope this is the start of a wonderful day.

Limbo Lower Now

I feel so low today. Maybe it is because of all the change going on in my life. I really can’t pinpoint it right now. The kids are almost done with school. They have Sports Day on Monday. Lauren has preschool graduation on Tuesday. The other kids get out at 1230 and that is all. They will have a two week break and then summer school for 4 weeks.
I have to turn in two finals tomorrow and my semester is over. I will be on break for three weeks.
Mike comes home in about 10 days. I can’t wait to see him. The feeling is so bittersweet though. Because it means we are that much closer to him going ‘over there’. And that scares me. I am sure what I am feeling is normal. I can’t imagine not feeling some trepidation about the upcoming ‘tour’. But I don’t want my fear to cloud the enjoyment of him being home.
The kids are off. I don’t know what it is, but they have just been crazy this week. Maybe it is the end of school year. Or the fact that they know Daddy is coming home. Or they can feel what I am feeling and don’t know how to respond to it. Whatever it is, I hope we can move past it. One more day like today and I may just go insane!
My friend is on her way to pick up her husband. He is coming home for a one month visit from ‘over there’. His coming home just signals the impending arrival of Mike.
I just wish my thoughts of ‘what if’ would subside. But I guess it is just part of the job description of a military wife.
Today I was thinking about what I would do if ‘something’ happened to Mike. We love where we live now. We want to raise the kids here. The kids love the school and their friends and they really don’t want to move. But I don’t think I would stay here without Mike. But I know that I don’t want to live ‘back home’. I wonder what Mike would want me to do in that situation. The more I think about this, the more confusing it gets. I mean, I turned it all around in my head, What if it was reversed. I don’t think I could just say THIS is what I want. Because I would want him to do whatever would make him happiest, and I would trust his judgment on what he would think would be best for our children. I don’t know where I am going with this.
I guess I am just feeling a little lost. I am feeling the weight of all this responsibility on my shoulders. And I just want someone else to bear the load for a while.
I was listening to the radio today. And this woman was talking about motherhood. And she said that in order to raise children ‘right’, we need to have a plan. It’s funny I caught this program, because so much of what she said were things that had been bouncing around in my head. Anyway, I realize that in my parenting, I have just been winging it to get to the next stage. I don’t really have any idea on what I want the ‘end product’ to be. I mean, sure I have things in my mind that I would like my kids to accomplish. But I haven’t really sat down and thought it out. And I think that I need to sit down and think about what I want for my children. I think it would help me to be a better Mom to have some goal to work towards for and with each child. Because right now it feels like I’m just flailing.

UGH..

I just type a LONG post.. and lost it... I am going to go scream now....

The Man

I spoke to Mike this weekend. A few times. It felt so good.
Sometimes we will have Skype on and both be doing our 'thing' but the fact that we are 'together' makes it ok that we aren't engaged in conversation every moment we are online. I think it speaks volumes that we can be content just in each others presence without words.

Mike was interviewed a few weeks back. I still don't get what she is doing the interviews/research for other than she is going to write a book; but I could be wrong. I was on Skype with Mike as he was on the phone with Dawn during the interview. The portion I heard was of course one sided, as I couldn't hear her. I listened for over an hour as he gave answers to her questions. I could get the basic jest of her questioning just by his answer. At the time my heart swelled with pride for the man I married. There are so many things that are just known or understood between two people sometimes. I knew Mike felt the way about a lot of the things he said just because I know Mike. But to hear the words come from him, from his own viewpoint. It was amazing.

He sent me a copy of the interview as Dawn forwarded it to him. As I read through, I see so much more that what is there in those paragraphs. She highlights quotes from Mike, filling in explainations in her own words. As I read it, I can hear the words Mike used. I feel the interview she forwarded explains some things, and maybe they are just what she was looking for. But I also see a man who is willing to sacrifice so much for everyone else. A man who is the ideal of selflessness. A man I am proud to call my husband.

Let's Get Physical...

What I need right now is a huge comforting hug. Things are so crazy right now.
I am thrilled about Mike coming home, but dreading his leaving again. Because I KNOW where he goes next. And I am terrified about it. I keep having these morbid thoughts, and I just don't know how to make them go away.
My MIL is sick. I'm terrified of what is to come.
I've been thinking alot about the situation at 'home'. My Mom, Sister and Neice. It just pains me to see my sister in so much pain, her daughter needing her and my Mom so stressed about it all.
Throw in the everyday madness around here and I just want to sit and sob for a few hours.

My Dad called me tonight. From China. I emailed him on his birthday back in Feb. This is the first I've heard from him since before then. It's frustrating. I would love to have a relationship with my father. I would love for him to be a part of my chidren's lives. He just isn't 'there' for us consistiantly and it hurts. When he called tonight and asked how things are going I broke down. I hate that I did too. I don't want him to see me so raw.

Mike is in the field. I want to talk to him. I need to hear him.

Only 15 school days left until summer. FIFTEEN.

Dogwoods

I went to Louisiana for a week. Everything bloomed while I was gone... Here are a couple of pictures of one of my dogwood trees. Spring WOULD be my favorite time of year if only I could breathe with out sneezing and see everything through the tears and swelling in my eyes! I must go take care of these darn seasonal allergies.

Change #.. I've lost track!!

OK, so his leave has been pushed back, but he gets to stay home longer!
So, we expect to see him from May 22 - June 10.
The kids are thrilled to get to see Daddy!!

Coming Home...

MIKE IS COMING HOME!!!

He gets to come home from May 8 until the 19th-ish... YAY!!!!!
OMG, I AM SOOOO EXCITED!!!

and a big comfort, the Army is picking up the tab!!! $1600!!!


I GET TO SEE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!

Here We Go...

Iraq

1 June

1 year

A Little Nothingness

Borrowed, from Sillypants ( http://mccfamily.blogspot.com/ )

Describe yourself using only one word.

1. Yourself: caring
2. Your Lover: selfless
3. Your Hair: long
4. Your Mother: nurturing
5. Your Father: distant
6. Your Favorite Item: laptop
7. Your Dream Last Night: forgotten
8. Your Favorite Drink: water
9. Your Dream Home: here
10. The Room You Are In: cozy
11. Your Pet(s): stupid
12. Who You Are Now: Mom
13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: graduated
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: secure
15. What You're Not: ignorant
16. Your Best Friend: away
17. One of Your Wish list Items: Mike
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: wake-up
20. What You Are Wearing: pajamas
21. Your Favorite Weather: autumn
22. Your Favorite Book: any
23. The Last Thing You Ate: York
24. Your Life: fulfilling
25. Your Mood: mellow

Blown Pupil or Fun Time in the ER

I raked a bunch of leaves in the yard today. We were supposed to get some really strong storms, and well, lots of wind. So I figured I would rake the leaves to the middle of the yard and let the wind take them! LOL

Well, my allergies started acting up. I took a claritin and put some eye drops in my itchy eye. Only one was bugging me.

After I did that, I came inside and made dinner. The kids and I ate and I went to take a shower. Matthew is starting PeeWee Basketball, and tonight was the first night. Well, when i went into my bathroom my eye felt strange. So, I looked in the mirror and the pupil in the eye that I put the drops in was fully dilated. Strange. I went ahead and took my shower and the kids ready to go. Lauren was headed to a friends house because she didn't want to sit through basketball again (Jacob has his night Tuesday). Well, her friend's Dad is a dr, so I had him look at my eye... He said that I should go to the ER to get it checked. I said that after Matthew's practice I would go in.

We get to basketball and one of Matthew's friends Dad is a PA, so I asked him what he thought. He said it was likely a reaction to the drops, but that I should get checked anyway. So, I got another Mom to drop Matthew off at Lauren's friends house (they offered to keep the kids for me). I dropped Jacob off there as well and headed to the ER. After sitting there for 3 hours, my eye wasn't as dilated. The dr finally came in to talk to me. He said he had been doing some research to see what may have caused it. Basically, we believe it was from the eye drops (which is strange because I have used these drops many times and never had an issue with them).

Since the kids were asleep, I left them at my friend's house. I will go get them before school in the morning. It feels soooo strange to be alone in my house!!

The Tooth is Gone!!

And I am LOVING his grin!!

Word of the Day...

As of our convesation this morning, which is subject to change at any moment, he *may* be going to Iraq en route to Hawaii...
And it is still being said that the tour is 24 months unaccompanied. I wonder if the en route part counts toward the 24 month part.. hmmmmm..

In other news, Jacob's other top tooth came out, sometime after midnight last night, but before 8 am this morning. We have no idea where the tooth is, but given a guess, I'd say watch his digestive tract.
Speaking of digestive tracts, I woke to the most nauseating smell this morning. I should have let the dog out at 4:30 when I got up to pee.. yuck. Steam cleaning the carpets at 6:30 am is not my idea of a pleasant morning.

Tomorrow is dentist appointments. Should be interesting.
Wednesday involves an ultrasound of Lauren's kidneys. We are looking for any damage caused by her kidney reflux. Have I mentioned that here?! If not, there we go, now I have. I'm sure I'll write more about it one day.

Oh,and I am contemplating whether or not I want to drive home for Easter. The kids only get a 4 day weekend. I am looking at the dates and seeing if I can make this thing work. I have a term paper and two midterms due that weekend, so we shall see.

Front Teeth

I pulled one of Jacob's front teeth this weekend! The other is not far behind!!

Waivering...

Thinking about actually moving to Hawaii..... hmmmmmm

Adult Decision Making SUCKS

Mike called.. we needed to make a decision ASAP:

Option 1:
Stay in Korea until next Feb. Come home (probably). He would work a desk job.

Option 2:
Go to Hawaii. It is now a 3 year tour. Most likely do at least a year of those 3 in Iraq. We would stay here. Keep our home and stability for the children.

Option 3:
Go to Hawaii. 3 year tour. One year of that in Iraq. The kids and I relocate to Hawaii. We sell house and most of our posessions.

WTF do you choose?! What is the lesser of the 3 evils.

In option 1, Mike is miserable with his job. He isn't furthering his career and losing valuable training time. We are still apart. BUT, he comes home (hopefully to Missouri) in a year.

In option 2, we are apart. BUT the kids are stable. They are doing really well in school and do NOT want to move. I have a huge support system here. I am comfortable being here while Mike is deployed/away. Three years is a long time.

In option 3, we are together. Mostly. Sometimes. We really don't know how much of that time will be spent deployed. We would have to sell the house and most of our possesions or put it all in storage. The kids don't want to move. From what I hear, Hawaii is an expensive place to live, there is a lot of prejudice against white people, and the schools aren't good. In 3 years, who knows what we will have to show for our *adventure*.

So, Mike calls, and needs a decision in 20 minutes. WTF do you do?! How do you choose?! I'm following my heart. And it hurts to make ANY of these decisions. But we did make a choice. And I think we are both content with it. God, let it be the right choice.

She is too smart for her own good...

Lauren and I were headed somewhere in the truck the other day. She was buckled into her car seat. On the seat next to her was a doll carrier with her bear strapped in. She wanted to take the bear out and I told her that it wasn't safe. Her reply?! "Mom, it's ok. She is replaceable."

Strep, Finals and a Birthday Party...

Our week in review...

Tuesday was another busy day. I accomplished the following:
- Made dental appts for the kids and myself.
- Made an appt to get fingerprinted so that I can sub at the school.
- Walked two and a half miles.
- Found the bills for the atv. They are from Retail Services. The same company as the laptops. I never opened them because I thought they were the HP bills, and we didn't owe on them yet. OOOOPPPS.
- Took the tire off Jacob's four wheeler. I submerged it in water to see if I could find a hole. No luck. Not sure if it's just a slow leak or what?! I put the tire back on, reinflated it and I'll check tomorrow to see if the air is still leaking.
- Found a replacement cap for Matthew's four wheeler since I cracked the original last week trying to loosen it to put gas. It just so happened to be sitting on the 5 gallon gas can. It fit, so I drilled a couple of vent holes.
- Worked on a quilt for Jennifer.

On Wednesday I finished the quilt. I was short on the batting I had so I had to go to the fabic store for more. Wanna see the quilt?!

Amy and I had lunch with a friend too. I also did some schoolwork and just hung out with my babies.

On Thursday Matthew wasn't feeling well so he stayed home. I did walk him into the clinic for a throat culture because I thought he had strep. The doctor didn't think he did, but swabbed his throat for me anyway. I then dropped Matthew at a friends so I could go with another friend to pick up the van. The van is back, but not before the dealership put 128 miles on and a bag of trash inside my van. Nice. Nancy was a blessing and drove the girls to dance. I walked 4.2 miles with Amy, Kirsten and Jen. It felt great! Both the walking and chatting with adults!!

Lauren was diagnosed with a UTI last week. We had her follow up appt on Friday. Everything looks good, but they want to do a couple of test to see if she has kidney reflux. My sister, her daughter and my other neice have all had issues, as well as my mother in law, so hopefully this will just rule out any issues for Lauren. We have one test on Thursday and the other on the 29th. I picked up the antibiotics the dr prescribed for Matthew even though his culture results weren't in. He stayed home Friday too because he was worst. I started the meds that morning. The nurse called me around 2 to let me know that he did in fact have strep. He is doing much better now. Back to school for him tomorrow. Friday night Heather and Lillian arrived to spend the weekend with us!

Saturday was Lauren's party. Jacob and I went to the commisary for last minute stuff then to Wal-Mart to pick up the cake. We came home and got everything set up. The party went well. Everyone had a good time. I spent the better part of last night completing my finals for my classes.

Got up this morning and just couldn't believe that my BABY is five today! WOW. I showered and we dropped the boys off for the day. Heather, Lillian, Lauren and I went to Springfield to the mall. We hit Build a Bear first. The girls had fun, as did we. We then walked around the mall a little and got cookies for the girls. Then it was on the road for Heather and Lillian, long drive home. Lauren and I went to Target first then headed home as well. We picked up the boys and came home. After dinner we all played Clue and now they are all in bed. I really should be heading there myself. My day starts at 6 and who knows what this week will hold!